Tired Eyes and Laughing Darkness - A Day in the Night of an Insomniac in the Making

I don't know what it is, but I haven't been sleeping well at all for quite sometime now. It may be that the work is getting to me, but I don't think that's true. Odd and irregular doses of food and alcohol must also have a role to play, and then there is Cookie. Most mornings, before its even seven, the stupid dog insists on climbing on to my stomach, frantically wagging her tail and pushing her nose into my face. But it's difficult to be even slightly angry at someone who eagerly waits for you to wake up, only I wish she'd wait a little longer.

So, I've been sleep walking and absentmindedly going through work and life. It's critical, the situation I tell you - but still too early to announce it is insomnia.

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But there have been brief periods in my life when I've suffered from that debilitating disorder. Okay it may not be insomnia as defined in teextbooks, but the effect was the same for the days that i suffered. One such spell occurred a year ago, and lasted for quite a while. It came to me in the middle of the exams, mainly because of the boredom from committing to memory page after page of useless garbage, coupled with the stress and pressure of doing this hateful task well.

One such night...

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9:30 PM eh? Even if it takes an hour for it to come, I can sleep till about 6:30 - 7 and get more than 8 hours. Hmm, good thing, and it has to be done, otherwise the rest of the day will be spent doing nothing else other than saving my head from falling onto bits and pieces of Game Theory.

I have about half an hour to 9:30; enough time to eat something. Think it was hunger that kept me up all those nights.

(No you idiot!)

Chocolate Biscuits.

Maybe I should brush, I did that at school and at home, and nothing went wrong. But that would involve going out of the room, walking to the loo, contact with water and maybe a stupid conversation or two - Kitna Kiya? Boss, you are going to top this time, tu phodega!

I might as well dunk a few cups of coffee. Wait a minute - is it all the filter coffee at D School. Mmmm coffee, sigh!

...wasting time!

Brushed. Made threatening statement to neighbours to not turn on music, yell or breathe loudly or I'd pour cold water on them in the morning. All the walking and talking has robbed me of a bit of immediate drowsiness, so lets say I'll sleep at 10 and - oh well lots of time... I'll be on full throttle all day, tomorrow.

Turned off the lights. (9:15, alarm set for 7 AM)

I lay to rest my tired, dizzy and heavy mind on a broken excuse for a pillow but which has been used so long it fits my head perfectly.

(No I'm not disfigured.)

Eyelids shut, I do this carefully, I figure you shouldn't be concentrating on sealing them together, it takes too much focus and energy and will almost definitely keep me up all night. Gentle close.

But eyes still wide awake! If you have ever really really tried to fall asleep, you'll know the process involves putting to sleep first the various voices, ghosts and people inside you. And all this begins when you start to reign in thoughts. And that's when you fall asleep, when you run out of thoughts and then sensation. But its such a practiced art since childhood that it's meant to come naturally. The moment you attempt to consciously have no thought you can never do it because that in itself is a thought and leads to many more.

For example: Man I have to stop thinking - only way to sleep - haven't slept in four days now - it began on the day of the TET paper - damn, I screwed it up - bloody Sudhir Shah, rotten questions - what is it that makes a teacher set a long and tough paper - I'd never do it to anyone........................Man I have to stop thinking ----

(9:45, alarm 7)

Brief sounds of people fooling around outside. Even the occasional screech of a bus travels to my irritatingly alert ears from miles away. I am almost fully awake now. Hmm. Maybe I am moving too much?? So for the next half an hour I lay straight on my back...

(10:15)

Now things are begining to get scary; am losing too much time to all this... Yawning about five times a second I make a strategic intervention. Maybe I'll just keep my eyes wide open, and stare into the darkness... It will tire them just the right amount and close them exactly when I'm falling asleep. Also the boredom of the whole exercise will get to me, hopefully...

Except that my eyes were burning with sleep and it was difficult to keep them alive for more than five seconds. Plus I was too busy congratulating myself on my ingenuity and in the process making my self more and more alert...

(10:40, alarm reset to 7:30)

Okay now its really grim. I pray! I don't get up or anything, because all that movement would be suicidal in terms of sleep. But I pray, then turn on my right side and tell myself that now its up to Him (I absolutely believe in melodrama!) I imagine I am floating a few feet above my bed, and will fall asleep when I settle down slowly on the bed...EXCEPT THAT ALL THIS IS TOO MUCH MENTAL WORK!!!!!

(Chorus) Man I have to stop thinking - only way to sleep - haven't slept in four days now - can't ruin tomorrow morning because of this - damn, if I screw up Game, I'm done for - bloody hell, why didn't I take some stupid paper?? ........................Man I have to stop thinking ----

(11:15, 7:30)

Desperate now. Really really late. I am certain I have ruined the morning session of study too. But I tell myself if I can get some sleep and be fresh and all, then even post lunch I could do enough. But I need to sleep. I revert to being completely motionless, this time I am on my side, and I clutch my quilt like a pillow. Hmm I am sure if the quilt was a girl I'd be asleep in no time... Except maybe the hours before would be spent umm more productively. And the morning would be a waste in any case..


(11:35, 7:30)

Okay, all that effort I made to not move has made me hungry again. The hunger I am sure was an outcome of my paranoia, completely convinced as I was that I couldn't sleep even if I was slightly hungry. So for the first time in more than two hours I got out of bed, chocolate biscuit in one hand and water in the other. I swallow multiple biscuits at the same time, softening them with water. Of course all this action means I am not even drowsy anymore. So I decide to tire myself out by walking up and down the breadth of my room (10 feet). I do this for about ten minutes, counting the laps. I continue to drink water to ensure my stomach is completely full. The biscuits are making me sick and the walking is making me dizzy. To capture the perfect sensation of sickness coupled with giddiness I jump from my walk into the bed almost at once. Okay now, my approach to this has become a bit military - Sleep you stupid fuck! Sleep! No feathers, or eyelid control or anything else. Just sleep!

(12:00, 8)

Shit, I needed to take a piss now. All that water meant I had to make some five trips to the loo in the next half hour. I felt as stupid and distressed as it is humanely possible to.

(12:30, 8)

No attempt now to do anything. I just lay in bed. But like I said I am a bit crazy (refer to last post). I let my mind wander once again. I thought of possibly everyone I knew, worried about child labour and the falling dollar, man I was getting comfortable with my disorder.... But suddenly this separate voice in me understood what 'I' was trying to do. I was trying to tell 'myself' that I was okay with this so that 'I' would stop tormenting 'me' and WE could fall asleep.

(1:00, 9)


Okay I needed to iron out my reverse psychology skills before I could use it on my schizophrenic self...

(1:15, 9)

I sat up in bed with a jerk. So, I was helpless and everything inside my head was entirely muddled. Putting my head on my knee, I found all of this strangely funny. It was just one night I was fretting so much about, and only one exam I was worried about, an exam which was part of a course I really didn't care for deep inside, and I had studied well enough already... So I was smiling and all, really it didn't matter. One part of me was still in the immediate, still anxious and worried about sleep, but most of me was feeling nice and crazy. So I lay down again, what the hell! It wasn't even important..

(2:00, 9:30)

Okay, no acts of bravery or consolation coming out of the imagined and romantic futility of a single test could calm me now. I had destroyed the four hours I could use for studying at night and now I would in all probability be sleepy through tomorrow. So I switched on the lights and began to study...

(2:15, 9:30)

The simple world of even Second Price Auctions was completely baffling at the moment. Whom was I kidding, I should be sleeping... And then suddenly, from the wreckage of the night emerged this fabulous gem of an idea. Why don't I sleep on my desk? It's the familiar posture that my body recognises from the endless hours spent dozing off in the library plus I can wake up tomorrow and instantly jump into studying Auction theory. (Okay, the second benefit was trivial but it still gave me the hugest kick.)

(2:30, 10)

Imagine, a completely dark room, with a single sleepy-as-hell occupant. There is a perfectly normal, nice and inviting bed lying completely unused. The occupant decides to sleep awkwardly at his desk, only of course, he isn't really asleep. He can hear the darkness laugh at him...I gathered myself and fell on the bed once again. Lying down on my stomach I was staring at the walls...

(3:00, none)

I thought of many things, don't exactly remember what they were, but they were strange and funny. I thought of home, and Shagun, and how things were at school, and I thought most of my acting days, how it felt to be on stage, to play Ionesco's mad protagonist, I thought of the day I decided to read for a degree in economics, and how if it hadn't been too hot I would have stayed longer on campus and applied for a course in mathematics as well, and probably then I'd be at a different college, among different people, leading a different life, where would I be today in that life? I thought of the job I could get soon, how I wanted to do really well there, I thought of how badly I wanted to make a movie, and what it would be about, I spoke to my characters, got to know them better, I wondered why I always tried so hard to get good grades and when I did get them, for a long time now it didn't mean very much to me...I thought and I questioned and I remembered fondly and I zzzzz

******

It was eleven when I woke up, my head felt heavy after all the work that had gone into the previous night, but I wasn't sleepy. A cup of coffee later I packed in a few solid hours of studying. The next few nights were much the same but a little less dramatic. I didn't do anything exceptional with the exam, though. Of course, now, it's even more inconsequential.