Conversations With Cookie - Same Old

Me: H-E-Y!!

Cookie: Hi.

Me: Long time, eh?

Cookie: Yeah.

Me: So, what's up?

Cookie: Same old.

Me: Ya?

Cookie: Hmm.

(Ya so basically, I think I am back!)

Cookie: So?

Conversations with Cookie - Still on the Other Realm

"How Religion is All Knotty - A Short Discourse"

Cookie: For starters, IMHO, Religion has been lying through its holy teeth about getting into Heaven.

*ahem*

I mean think about it, people "will" burn in Hell for killing another person, being racist, or laughing at an autistic kid.

But that's like only nowadays.

4500 years ago, it was fairly courteous to smash through the skull of anyone that touched your stupid raw meal. Nobody cared for autism before, I think, Jim Carrey and Religion happened to endorse and cherish much racist behaviour till like day before yesterday.

Over time the meaning of 'the good life' has been tweaked by our ol' friend Religion.

DIVINE. That's just bloody DIVINE!!

Now we are sending really really good people to Heaven, but our racist, great great great grandfathers who also murdered for fun are already there!

They must totally rag our sorry butts!

And what next? Our children will have to be pacifist - fruitarians who send no SPAM messages, before they make the cut??

They will not last a day in "Heaven!"

Shit MAAAAN!!! Religion is FISHY business!

LATER

Me: I don't get what's so sacred about fucking Tuesdays??? Every other day we can stuff ourselves with all sorts of animal food. But Tuesdays? NOOOOO.

What's the difference to the damn Chicken?

And God?

Who made these rules anyway??

Cookie: That's a good point.

Me: And I mean how did anyone decide which was the first Monday? We could have gotten it wrong by a day? So that all Tuesdays are actually Wednesdays.

Cookie: That's a VERY good point.

MUCH LATER

Cookie: Psssst. He can be intelligent. Sometimes. On good days.

Conversations with Cookie - Move It! Move It!

Cookie: So I was just doing my thing and being an excellent dude when it struck me!

Me: What?

Cookie: That I'd live only about 10 years; 14 if I go easy on the red meat and do some Yoga.

Me: So?

Cookie: I don't know. You guys live to at be least 70... It's unfair at some level. You can be totally mundane for a few months or even years. But I can't. Because that would be like a friggin' dog-decade.

My life needs to be a constant yarn of interesting conversations, glorious achievement and the WILDEST sex!

Me: What are you going to do about this sudden realization?

Cookie: I don't know. There's no time to think. I have no time P-E-O-P-L-E!

LATER

Cookie: Shit MAAAN! Dogs were never meant to do a Phd!

STILL LATER

Cookie: If we were the Humans, Phds would take two years. And there'd be no time for unnecessary wooing before sexing up random HOT strangers.

WAIT - I have no time for this wishful thinking. MAAAN.

All Ya HOT PPL All Over The World
Original King Julian Pon Ya Case Man!

I Love How All of Ya A Move Your Body
And When Ya Move Ya Body
Nice And Sweet And Sexy Alright!

Physically Fit
Physically
Physically

I Like To Move It Move It
I HAVE To Move It Move It
Ya Like To (MOVE IT!)

Sweet Fantastic
WOMAN!

BOP!
WOAH!
BOP!
WOAH!

(King Julians Bit On The End:)

I Like to Move It Move It
HE Like to Move It Move It
SHE Like to Move It Move It
THEY Like to Move It Move It
YOU Like to Move It!

I Like .. Oh I did.. I have.. I.. Done I? Did I do I Like?
I think I Did I Like.. WE? What About We? They? They? I Did They?.

OH I GOT IT, I GOT IT I GOT A NEW ONE I GOT A NEW ONE.. THEM?
No not THEM.. Did I Say Them or Not?

THEM Like to Move It Move It... I'm gonna Say Them

WOAH WOAH WOAH

I Like To Move It Move It
I HAVE To Move It Move It
Ya Like To (MOVE IT!)

YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS NEVER GONNA END COZ IT IS 3,2,1

Not Bad Eh? I Like It



Me: Keep it down will you??!

Conversations with Cookie: Out of the White

Me: So, what do you think?

Cookie: It works.

Me: Huh? "It works??!"

Cookie: Ya. It works. Why, what do you want me to say??

Me: I dunno..

Cookie: What?

Me: Something..

Cookie: Okay. Umm.. Your creativity ruptures in a single uniquely elegant stroke the very rationality of modern-BLOG design? Its powerful colours are a simulating sensorial experience? OR - should I declare "Look here, this is it, there's ART here!!"

Me: You cou..

Cookie: Plus spending a weekend designing a BLOG is a top-end loser thing to do. FYI.

Me: But..

Cookie: Impress us through the written word I say!!!!

Me: OK! For someone who humps pillows all day, you are very..

Cookie: *gasp*

Later

Cookie: WOMEN HAVE NEEDS!!!

Still Later

Cookie: This blog SUCKS!!

2014

Cookie: Man, they don't make pillows like they used to.

Conversations With Cookie - On the Other Realm

"Necessary Conditions for the Existence of this Heaven Place"

Cookie: What's the big deal with Heaven, anyway?

Me: Across cultures and all through history it's described as some type of peaceful life after death. A place of happiness, sometimes eternal happiness.

Cookie: Okay. And where exactly is "Heaven?"

Me: Popular view is that it exists as a place over the clouds and that God is above, watching over man.

Cookie: Like a physical place?

Me: Um..

Cookie: That would be friggin' brilliant though! Right? You could be a bum all your life and then "technology" could take you there!! In your face, GOD!!!

Me: I don't think that's how it works. It's..

Cookie: Say, Heaven must have existed forever right? Before religion and all?

Me: I guess, yes. That sounds fair.

Cookie: You know, suddenly, I don't have a good feeling about this. I mean it's difficult to believe there's this place floating above our heads, just like that. And it's big enough for every person ever, the ALL-TIME cumululative total population of the planet through history. Which is nearly 145 billion people plus a lot of dogs.

Conversations with Cookie - Battle of the Species

"Finding Out Who Kicks Whose Butt Day"

Me: Done?

Cookie: Done. Dude, dogs kick human butts, like so hard!!

Me: We'll see about that... Shoot!

Cookie: In the US alone ferocious Rottweilers kill upto a dozen people every year!!

ehehehehee!!!

Me: In Malaysia they have a festival delicacy during the Gawai (harvest day). It's called "Pekasam Semalam" - basically they stuff their dogs with whatever grain they were harvesting through the day.

The next day, brutal as it may sound, they make the dogs purge and barf everything they were earlier fed; swinging them in circles by the tail. And then they collect the dog vomit and serve with salt. Of course there's also rice wine!!

Cookie: SHIT MAAAAAN!!!

Conversations with Cookie - On Earth Day

Cookie: Humans are such rotten animals! Yesterday I was watching that Inconvenient Truth movie and it made me so angry I could totally kill someone.

Me: Earth Day? It's so lame man, like all they can come up with is Gore.

Cookie: I Know!! Hmm.. Anyway!! How do you justify the criminal imbalance between what humans give to this planet and what they take away? How are you going to even begin to explain all this pollution to your kids?

Me: I don't know... I guess, who needs the wilderness if you have lots more ice cream, free music and Call of Duty XXI?

Cookie: Don't reduce everything to frivolous humour. It's our PLANET! We have only ONE! CO2 levels are the highest in 650,000 years. The 10 hottest ever years were all in the last 14!!!! There is a strong chance that a major ice sheet in Greenland or in West Antarctica will collapse in this decade! Either of which would raise global sea levels by over 20 feet, flooding coastal areas and creating 100 million fresh refugees!!!!

Me: Okay...

Cookie: If I were human, I'd stop worrying about the economy.

Me: But..

Cookie: You serve no real purpose on this planet. You have your fancy cars, and your fancy jobs and your bizarre and pointless space exploration and fucking stupid Bono. But to make your own lives comfortable and interesting you pollute. Like PIGS!!!

Me: Calm d...

Cookie: No!!!!

Me: O..

Cookie: FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT SOME REAL PROBLEMS!!!!

Me: Like??

Cookie: Take for instance the fact that when the automobile driver uses his car, in effect, he saves a certain quantity of energy by not walking. The energy provided by food is then stored in the form of fats. As the driver accumulates fat (energy), the automobile wastes fossil fuel (energy). The automobile could in fact acquire its energy directly from the driver, solving at once, obesity, pollution and the energy crisis. An intimate reciprocity between man and machine. That is ALL you should think about.

Me: You are right, you know.

Cookie: I know.

Me: Say, how do you justify being a pet? All you do is rob the world of much livestock, cheese and mango... You do recollect, the Wikipedia page from last week? Your particular breed of dog, The Samoyed, is known for a loud bark, and hold your breath, a wide smile. And that most Samoyeds wont even make good sheep dogs because after a while the sheep lose total respect for err, a smiling dog. I think I'm going to get a pet I can eventually eat. An intimate reciprocity..

Cookie: *wags tail*

6 Awesome Torture Techniques (You Haven't Heard Of)

What’s with me and parentheses these days? (What the heck, though??)

Since the dawn of time men have absolutely hated each other. Throughout history, this mutual disgust has led to the discovery of one putrid torture technique after another.

Of course mankind has had other concerns too, namely a Conscience. Coupled with a matchless talent for heroic underachievement this sense of right and wrong led to the creation of the United Nations.

The United Nations, or the UN, or the UriNal, as it is respectfully known in North Korea (yeah, what can I say, Kim Jong-il and his primitive jokes) has in its typical bureaucratic elegance defined torture as –

“any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a male or female person for such purposes as obtaining from him, or a third person, information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity. It does not include pain or suffering arising only from, inherent in, or incidental to, lawful sanctions.”

Continuous recitation or written reproduction of the above paragraph for only a few minutes is now a certified form of highly potent and severely unbearable psychological torture.

Of course it’s too soft a method (c’mon UN, will ya stop being so gay, like all the time??) to make it to the following, legendary, Hall of Pain.

1. Boiling is to torture, what the missionary position is to a good night’s rest. Quick, crude, lazy, yet highly effective, to the point, and will never be out of fashion. Of course, you won’t get full marks for imagination, but what the fuck?

Don't try this at home!!

It is unclear when boiling evolved from what we did to tea leaves to what we did to one another.

But I guess it all started when in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, the slave girl killed those thirty-seven thieves by pouring boiling oil into their hiding-jars.

Then the Romans were known to boil all slaves brought in for interrogation. Apparently a slave was not to be trusted until his brains were sufficiently cooked. Of course, the English took boiling to the next level. They experimented with medium, using oil, tar, tallow and even molten lead.

Cookie: *gasp*

What’s with pirates and torture? Cat o’ nine tails, caning, birching, walking the plank?? It’s like they do such things for fun!

Oh.

2. Keelhauling So one day you are being a normal, good-for-nothing, syphilis infested pirate with stale rum pouring out of most of your orifices and minding your own business. Then all of a sudden it’s your day to make up for the lack of TV, years without women and those cowardly Navy Seals shooting you with sniper rifles.

So what do your buddies do?

They tie you to a rope that loops beneath the vessel, throw you overboard from one side and drag you under the ship’s keel to the other side, very quickly.

Sound’s like a bit of drunken revelry eh? Not much torturing huh? Go back to your Pirates of the Caribbean; you’ll recall that the hull was basically covered with those darn barnacles! Our good friend would return with some super serious cuts.

Sometimes to make it more interesting, they’d pull slowly. The weight would lower the pirate below the barnacles, but then there was always the little technicality, of drowning.

Some guys have all the luck! (all the time!!)

And now dear reader, ancient Greece.

3. The Brazen Bull. A hollow bull cast of pure bronze. The poor criminal would be shut inside and a fire would be lit under it.

Before you could count to 33,000 the bull would be white hot, and the inmate completely roasted.

The Greeks weren’t really into getting the criminal to divulge stuff. All they wanted was a little torture before murdering the poor fellow. (In your face, Amnesty International!!!!)

Sketch from private [stolen {not by me (seriously)}] diary of a guard at Abu Gharib

So what makes this so sick eh?

Well the Greeks stuffed the nose of the bull with incense, so that the death gave off a pleasant smell. Then they engineered a series of locks and tubes into the head, so that all screams were translated into furious bull snarls. So, all in all, The Brazen Bull was fully Euro V and Bharat VIII compliant.

Oh and to, to finance all this tomfoolery, they sold the charred bones as bracelets!!!!!

Cookie: *shriek*

4. The Scold’s Bridle was an iron cage for the head with an iron spike projecting into the mouth and resting precariously atop the tongue. So as to cruelly torture the tongue if it dared stir.

It was inflicted on women who spoke too much. And so heavy was its demand that at one time it was believed to have singlehandedly driven the industrial revolution.

The French Version - Haute-Couture, but misses the basic premise of torture. (No tongue spike!!)

But then the fad died a natural death, probably because it started to kill the concept of impromptu oral sex. (Which, by the way, was pretty big in the Middle Ages, and then again, only in the 70s.)

5. Stocks were used to torture man through public humiliation since forever. I am talking about –

In modern times, with minor changes, these are BIG in the pornographic industry (Source: Wikipedia)

My interest in the above, is of course only scholarly, I hope you are with me on this one, dear reader? (Oh yeah?)

Anyway, the Brits used this by leaving people strapped in a Stock, in public, for days. Barefeet. Because apparently being caught without footwear was like the worst possible humiliation and all.

It is one of the reasons the Brits found the Stock to be completely ineffective on Indians during their rule. The other is that we totally eat a lot of garlic.

For my final entry dear reader, I leave you with a mental image.

6. The Punishment of the Picquet.

Imagine a stake in the ground with one sharpened end facing upward. The malefactor is, with one thumb suspended from a tree, while the opposite naked foot is balanced atop the stake.

The point of the stake on which the foot rests is sufficiently sharp to cause considerable discomfort but not enough to penetrate the flesh or separate bones.

By relieving pressure from his foot, the prisoner places all of his weight on the suspended thumb, whereas, by relieving tension from his thumb, the prisoner exposes his foot to the full effect of the Picquet…

A real situation dear reader, a real Catch. Catch 22. (The biggest there is, the only worth mentioning.) Eh?

Conversations with Cookie - On Wanting to Explode (Ok, Go Off)

Me: I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could explode,
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on…

Cookie: “go off”

Me: I wish I was a sentimenta… Huh?

Cookie: It’s “go off”. I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.

Me: Yeah, whatever.

Cookie: It’s a shame Pearl Jam was once accused of being a synthetic grunge band, now they seem as organic and principled a rock band as any. I love that they play every show like it’s the last.

Me: I only listen to Wishlist.

Cookie: I have more, totally valuable opinions on Portishead, Yann Tiersen, Dylan and of course your recent love, Mogwai.

Me: STOP GOING THROUGH MY IPOD?!!!!

Cookie: I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the
news was good…

Cookie: I’d make a supercool groupie. I just know it... *sigh*

Conversations with Cookie - On Being a Dog (Why it Sucks, Sometimes)

Cookie: Do you have an ALL-TIME favourite person?

Me: Mm Hmm.

Cookie: No?

Me: No.

Cookie: Okay.

Cookie: Canis Familiaris. Cookie Canis Lupus Familiaris is my name, hereby and herewith. A lover of cheese, mango and all types of meat. Also, avante-garde philosopher. The flamboyant symbol of the angst-ridden yet thinking Modern Dog. And in her spare time, a beacon of global peace and hope.

Cookie: Phew.

Me: Yes.

Cookie: Anyway, I have had enough of you and others of your ilk. I don't care whether you say anything or not.

Cookie: What I do care about is Beetroots.

Cookie: Beta Vulgaris. (Vulgaris, ehehehehee) Beetroot can be peeled, steamed, and then eaten warm with butter as a delicacy; cooked, pickled, and then eaten cold as a condiment; or peeled, shredded raw, and then eaten as a salad. The Romans used beetroot as a treatment for debilitating constipation, and also as an aphrodisiac. Which makes this humble root a kinky resident of the culinary world. Its use also threw up the phrase, 'take favours in the beetroot field' which hints at visiting prostitutes. Betacyanin in beetroot may cause red urine in some people who are unable to break it down. This is called beeturia. (Red urine, ehehehehee)

Me: Yeah I know. I love you too.

Cookie: Go to the beetroot fields.. For all of your life!!

Conversations with Cookie - On Giving it Those Ones

Cookie: So how come you never posted this weekend?

Me: Um. I was busy..

Cookie: You were watching FRIENDS!! (Could he be more lame?) And then you bloody slept for four hours in the evening. And you didn't even cook...

Me: Huh? Well. Well, I couldn't think of anything worthwhile after The Countdown. In fact I can't think at all. And I have run out of books. There isn't any new music. And it's too hot.

Cookie: I know what you mean, though. Writing is like that. Comes and goes. Everything that's lovely is but a brief, dreamy kind delight. Aah. Yeats...

Me: Um. Hmm.

Cookie: What are you typing? Are you using this for a post?

Me: No, I'm sending a letter.

Cookie: I could have said something more worthwhile if you said you were..

Conversations With Cookie - On the Next Life

Me: Say who would you want to be in your next life?

Cookie: Who me? Oh I have it all figured out. A Great White Shark!

Me: Pray, tell me, why?

Cookie: Dude??! It's the Great White Shark!!! I go from being fed to feeding on HUMANS!!!! MUHAHAHA MUHAHA-HAHAHA-HEE-HEE-HAHAHAHA

Me: Geez, for a dog, you have considerable angst. God is listening! You'll be nothing more than a Tape Worm.

Cookie: Huh? Yeah, I'm sure that's how it works. But sometimes he's known to cooperate. I know this leech who wanted to be a weasel in his next life.

Me: Who?

Conversations with Cookie - On Pavlovian Conditioning

Cookie: Anyway, I have had enough of that stupid kid that’s just moved in next to us. The runt insists on playing just outside our door.

Me: Why does it bother you so much?

Cookie: Well, it’s a Pavlovian thing.

Me: Explain..

Cookie: You don’t get dogs! Any sound near the house has to be answered with crazy barks and a feral advance.

Me: Well, can’t you recondition your instincts?

Cookie: No?!!

Me: Why??

Cookie: For the same reason you can’t stop writing sappy stuff like 2047.

Me: Oh you wretched nasty dog! Just you wait… An hour every morning and evening with the savage apartment-kids shall set you right…

Cookie: No? No!! Please!!! They are crazy! They want me to fetch stuff.

Cookie: *wags tail*