Dev (Pee)D

So I was in Delhi the other day, and everything seemed, like, so cool. You know, like, so awesome, it hurt my eyes.

Why do they speak like that in Delhi?

But in most other ways it’s a brilliant place. Except I wish they’d stop being so annoyingly creative with their loo-signs. I went to this restaurant and they had the back half of an elephant's body stuck on the two doors, so that you saw elephant butts. And they were both the same shape, curve, size and had the same tail, so I did what was clear and intelligent, I bent a little to check if one of them had a dong swinging below the butt, but there was enormously nothing.

It was a very tough two minutes of my life, my bladder issues were making me woozy, once again I felt old, and I failed to make an educated guess regarding the complex sexual references laid out by tiny identical elephant asses.

Then one of the doors pulled inwards, and a stunning Japanese woman stepped out. In the light that came in from the loo, I swear it could have been from her face, I saw that the elephant butt on her door was pink.

Of course I had no time to flirt with her. Damn you, weak bladder!!!! She was really hot, and was wearing very little. With a heavy heart but also with great hurry I pushed open the door with the grey elephant butt and stepped in.

What next? Doors that creak H-I-S/H-E-R in Morse Code when you swing them?

HIS-HER in Morse

That would be, like, trippy bro. So fuckin’ cool, you know. That’s like my thing, trippin’.

***

When life begins, it’s truly awesome. Then little by little things start to turn into shit, the realities, facts and truths come together to screw up things with the gusto of Chengiz Khan and the precision of Chinese torturers.

Do you know that an average person kisses for only two weeks of his life?

Do you know that it is two times less than the quality time we spend in elevators? That it is only two times more than the average time spent doing exciting things like looking for socks and using toothpicks?

Do you know that there was a two week phase in my life when I was kissing?

On the brighter side, being more or less an average person, I have, statistically, an exciting future ahead of me!! Also, statistically speaking, if the ratio between that and tooth-picking is a constant then I’ll easily have a few decades of smooching.

Oh, in case you are wondering where I met with this sad bit of information, let me tell you the source is irrefutable. It was printed on a bottle of Snapple. (Made from the best stuff on Earth.)

Btw, the good folks over at Snapple also tells us –

1. Fish Cough.
2. The average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
3. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called tittle.

***

“Don’t give me that psychological bullshit.”

You guess right, I just watched Dev D. Mr. Anurag Kashyap, understand, such a sentence really stands out like a sore thumb in a Hindi movie.

“Who are you Florence Firangitale?”

Don’t get me wrong, I liked your movie! A lot, but not as much as I liked Omkara. Of course my love for Omkara doesn’t even come close to my love for Kalki. (Thank you for introducing her, and now lay off!!!!)

Mr. Kashyap, I know you are a dangerous and abusive man, please understand any obscene and insolent comment on this blog will be fucking erased in no time. So kindly refrain, I get a lot of family traffic you see. You are of course allowed to sing praises about my writing and leave a blinking link on PassionforCinema.

Anyway the movie is brilliant in large parts, but the brilliance is never allowed to overwhelm because there is a lot of unnecessary stuff, too many shots of Delhi traffic, that too in different shades and texture, too many sunrises all with varying no. of birds, I think three or four montages, and numerous versions of that camera trick from Requeim. (Ya the tying camera to body wala trick.) Also –

1. The scene with the old woman in the bus.
2. Hilaiye.
3. And a few more.

You are making a movie, not writing a post. Trim the not-so-brilliant bits. Let go. Not every little bit has to be crammed in. (Umm, I never face that problem though, while writing; it’s ALL awesome, in case you were wondering.)

At the end of it, it’s difficult to recollect the movie, even though I have now seen it twice, feels like you planned and thought of it in individual bits rather than as a whole movie.

(Don’t worry though; very soon you can take tips from my movie. Very soon.)

Abhay, good show, very similar to OLLO though, in some scenes I almost caught the OLLO crew in the background having tea. Did you actually shoot scenes simultaneously from different sides?

Okay, I am just being mean. It’s Holi Hai, and the apartment kids came in and left with Cookie, then they returned and took my parents. Then the maid. Then I waited in torn white clothes but there was silence, they didn’t even ask for me. Runts.

:(

Amit Trivedi, your music will be on my ipod Top 25 for a long long time. Thank god there is someone to save us from Rehman. Err, all you Slumdog Fanatics/South Indians/Patriots feel free to leave abusive comments. Nothing beats Emosanal Attyachar.

Kalki, please get in touch. I cook the most amazing Mutton Curry, floss regularly, have a single one inch long strand of colourless hair in the middle of my forehead, which you can play with but not break, because it brings me good luck, plus unlike AK am thin and tall.

***

So I reached the airport, ready to leave Delhi. I am early and I look in my bag for a book. Instead I find a small bottle of complimentary Grey Goose. Saali Khushi!!! So I do the clear and intelligent thing for the second time on my trip. I buy a bottle of mineral water, saunter into the loo, pee (pour) half of it out into the pot, of course I make (usual) zipping unzipping sounds, then I empty Grey Goose into water bottle. Then I place empty bottle in toilet loo and cover with crumpled toilet paper. Then I flush (fake) and leave. Then I sit before the cops and drink all the ‘water.’ Then I am smiling at everyone as I pop some Cool Mint. Security check is awesome, I don’t feel a thing, then I stand like Vitruvian Man. Then I start to listen to Jazz, Portishead, Pink Floyd, Goldspot, Franz Ferdinand, Yann Tiersen and Emosanal Attyachar, one after the other. Also I read Murakami, 100% Perfect Girl was the name of the brilliant story.