Most of you are either back from work, getting ready for work or are at work. (Whatay wonderful life!) Unless of course you are reading this on a weekend, in which case you have either just woken up, or going back to sleep or horribly drunk.
In the midst of this demanding life you may have missed the outbreak of Swine Flu in Mexico.
The WHO has been quick to take action and called it a “PANDEMIC” hoping that this will shame the virus to death. Of course it will be disgustingly lame and go on and on about how it’s done this for the first time in four decades!
Next they plan to rename the flu the North American Influenza, because everyone knows that naming a damn virus after its geographical origin is equivalent to letting it know that we think it’s totally gay. And who is scared of homosexual viruses? Again the WHO is optimistic of humiliating the bugs till they have no choice but to commit suicide.
Thank you WHO, for being so friggin’ awesome, no really. Please also let everyone know how there is only enough TamiFlu to save about five dozen of us.
The WHO is also currently building an ark.
Of course the WHO is not the only one with silly etymological concerns. Cookie questions the liberties we take when we name all the bad things using animal names. “Swine” Flu. “Dog’s” Life. “Cats”.
Anyway, in a few days the shit will really hit Indian shores.
Things will start with an innocuous SMS Poll on India TV.
Do you think you have Swine Flu? SMS SWINE Y or SWINE N to 588888. (Standard Rates Apply.)
In a few hours –
B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G NEWS!!!! Swine Flu; now also in India.
Within minutes a feisty Barkha Dutt will be seen dawdling around the Gateway of India. As a demonstration of her brand of hard-hitting, courageous and intelligent journalism, she will insist on not wearing a mask and resort to needless and fanatical yelling.
Then there will be a five minute clip of her staring with utmost concentration at the Arabian Sea.
Not to be left behind CNN-IBN will organise a chat show inviting the usual suspects.
1. Preity Zinta, who will be wearing over sized goggles and a dress that slips down a bit every time she raises her arms to make a passionate, although asinine, point.
2. Mohd. Azharuddin, looking typically shameless. Smiling and waving at the audiences who are actually spitting on him.
3. Amar Singh Ji, because it’s a chat-show.
4. Random Expert on Subject, who will be completely ignored right till the end, when he will be thrown one question and given exactly 60 seconds to give his inputs before being rudely told, “Sorry, I have to cut you there!” And immediately we break into an Amul Macho ad, “Yeh toh bada TOIIIINNG hai!”
5. Maneka Gandhi, for variety, because she will talk about how it’s cruel to kill the virus. And also what it means to be a Mother.
The Hindi Channels will all basically do the same thing. Angry bearded reporters will bark into their mikes from everywhere. On that day they will blame Swine Flu for everything, sad faces, no electricity, pollution, global warming and bad roads.
More SMS Polls will follow –
Do you still have Swine Flu?
Will you have Swine Flu next summer?
Are you worried about Swine Flu?
Is the government doing enough for You?
Do you know how to cure Swine Flu?
SMS Y or N to 588888.
A ticker will appear for people to leave emergency messages for their families. It will be unedited because every now and then you will read, “Hi Smriti, I LOVE YOU! Forever Only Tumhara, Sonu”.
Soon Astrologers and Tarot Card readers will be deployed. Patriotic by nature, they will, like always, construct a situation whereby in the end India will regain total supremacy of the world!
Mahesh Bhatt will speak over the phone and express his angst in a strange mix of Urdu and English across all 13 ‘major’ Hindi News Channels.
In the real world, our PM will rush to Sonia Gandhi’s residence for ‘discussion’. Sonia Gandhi will listen to her inner voice and therefore do nothing. Rahul Gandhi, full of youthful energy, and equipped with the titanic luxury of being a Gandhi and hence truly capable of single-handedly doing much, will exercise his ENTIRE MIGHT to safeguard every single person from the flu, in Amethi. And then fail, miserably, because the Congress does not form the State Government. Then he will cry about it.
Priyanka Gandhi will tell everyone that her nose is like Indira Gandhi’s.
No one will pay any attention to Robert Vadera.
Shri LK Advani the spirited octogenarian and the Leader of the Opposition will in effect call the PM a total pansy and then RAM say that if TEMPLE the BJP was in power it would BUILD take a more decisive stance.
The Left will cite the origin in Mexico as a clear validation of its Anti-American stance. They will elicit almost as much response as Robert Vadera.
Mayawati will demand 50% Reservation Quota for Swine Flu. Educated Indians will cringe and then not bother to vote against our future PM.
A 5th Front will emerge to woo the niche voter who is swayed only by Swine Flu concerns. This front will have exactly the same members as the 3rd and 4th Fronts and will also claim a sure win over 180 seats.
Psephologists the world over (only about three) will be stumped because sure-win claims would then total 1,750 for only about 525 seats.
Not one to miss out on the action, Ram Gopal Verma will announce a movie, with a customary gritty title; Sooar, Saale (starring: Vivek Oberoi), an intricate underworld drama with Swine Flu killing people in the background. Anil Kapoor will just go on and on about the friggin’ Oscars. Aamir Khan will appear in an advertisement to spread awareness, BUT ONLY if one of his movies is releasing in the same week.
In the midst of all this nonsense, Kalki Koechlin will continue to look AWESOME!
Lalit Modi and the entire star cast of IPL-II will be banned from returning to India because of travel restrictions. Before we can all celebrate Mr. Modi will use this as the perfect opportunity to immediately kick start IPL-III.
In the final analysis more people might die from the ensuing mind numbing boredom than from the global influenza.
So that’s that. DO NOT IGNORE THIS! Send it to at least 6 Friends and save their LIVES.
Alternatively save your self from 6 continuous years of bad luck.
In the midst of this demanding life you may have missed the outbreak of Swine Flu in Mexico.
The WHO has been quick to take action and called it a “PANDEMIC” hoping that this will shame the virus to death. Of course it will be disgustingly lame and go on and on about how it’s done this for the first time in four decades!
Next they plan to rename the flu the North American Influenza, because everyone knows that naming a damn virus after its geographical origin is equivalent to letting it know that we think it’s totally gay. And who is scared of homosexual viruses? Again the WHO is optimistic of humiliating the bugs till they have no choice but to commit suicide.
Thank you WHO, for being so friggin’ awesome, no really. Please also let everyone know how there is only enough TamiFlu to save about five dozen of us.
The WHO is also currently building an ark.
Of course the WHO is not the only one with silly etymological concerns. Cookie questions the liberties we take when we name all the bad things using animal names. “Swine” Flu. “Dog’s” Life. “Cats”.
Anyway, in a few days the shit will really hit Indian shores.
Things will start with an innocuous SMS Poll on India TV.
Do you think you have Swine Flu? SMS SWINE Y or SWINE N to 588888. (Standard Rates Apply.)
In a few hours –
B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G NEWS!!!! Swine Flu; now also in India.
Within minutes a feisty Barkha Dutt will be seen dawdling around the Gateway of India. As a demonstration of her brand of hard-hitting, courageous and intelligent journalism, she will insist on not wearing a mask and resort to needless and fanatical yelling.
Then there will be a five minute clip of her staring with utmost concentration at the Arabian Sea.
Not to be left behind CNN-IBN will organise a chat show inviting the usual suspects.
1. Preity Zinta, who will be wearing over sized goggles and a dress that slips down a bit every time she raises her arms to make a passionate, although asinine, point.
2. Mohd. Azharuddin, looking typically shameless. Smiling and waving at the audiences who are actually spitting on him.
3. Amar Singh Ji, because it’s a chat-show.
4. Random Expert on Subject, who will be completely ignored right till the end, when he will be thrown one question and given exactly 60 seconds to give his inputs before being rudely told, “Sorry, I have to cut you there!” And immediately we break into an Amul Macho ad, “Yeh toh bada TOIIIINNG hai!”
5. Maneka Gandhi, for variety, because she will talk about how it’s cruel to kill the virus. And also what it means to be a Mother.
The Hindi Channels will all basically do the same thing. Angry bearded reporters will bark into their mikes from everywhere. On that day they will blame Swine Flu for everything, sad faces, no electricity, pollution, global warming and bad roads.
More SMS Polls will follow –
Do you still have Swine Flu?
Will you have Swine Flu next summer?
Are you worried about Swine Flu?
Is the government doing enough for You?
Do you know how to cure Swine Flu?
SMS Y or N to 588888.
A ticker will appear for people to leave emergency messages for their families. It will be unedited because every now and then you will read, “Hi Smriti, I LOVE YOU! Forever Only Tumhara, Sonu”.
Soon Astrologers and Tarot Card readers will be deployed. Patriotic by nature, they will, like always, construct a situation whereby in the end India will regain total supremacy of the world!
Mahesh Bhatt will speak over the phone and express his angst in a strange mix of Urdu and English across all 13 ‘major’ Hindi News Channels.
In the real world, our PM will rush to Sonia Gandhi’s residence for ‘discussion’. Sonia Gandhi will listen to her inner voice and therefore do nothing. Rahul Gandhi, full of youthful energy, and equipped with the titanic luxury of being a Gandhi and hence truly capable of single-handedly doing much, will exercise his ENTIRE MIGHT to safeguard every single person from the flu, in Amethi. And then fail, miserably, because the Congress does not form the State Government. Then he will cry about it.
Priyanka Gandhi will tell everyone that her nose is like Indira Gandhi’s.
No one will pay any attention to Robert Vadera.
Shri LK Advani the spirited octogenarian and the Leader of the Opposition will in effect call the PM a total pansy and then RAM say that if TEMPLE the BJP was in power it would BUILD take a more decisive stance.
The Left will cite the origin in Mexico as a clear validation of its Anti-American stance. They will elicit almost as much response as Robert Vadera.
Mayawati will demand 50% Reservation Quota for Swine Flu. Educated Indians will cringe and then not bother to vote against our future PM.
A 5th Front will emerge to woo the niche voter who is swayed only by Swine Flu concerns. This front will have exactly the same members as the 3rd and 4th Fronts and will also claim a sure win over 180 seats.
Psephologists the world over (only about three) will be stumped because sure-win claims would then total 1,750 for only about 525 seats.
Not one to miss out on the action, Ram Gopal Verma will announce a movie, with a customary gritty title; Sooar, Saale (starring: Vivek Oberoi), an intricate underworld drama with Swine Flu killing people in the background. Anil Kapoor will just go on and on about the friggin’ Oscars. Aamir Khan will appear in an advertisement to spread awareness, BUT ONLY if one of his movies is releasing in the same week.
In the midst of all this nonsense, Kalki Koechlin will continue to look AWESOME!
Lalit Modi and the entire star cast of IPL-II will be banned from returning to India because of travel restrictions. Before we can all celebrate Mr. Modi will use this as the perfect opportunity to immediately kick start IPL-III.
In the final analysis more people might die from the ensuing mind numbing boredom than from the global influenza.
So that’s that. DO NOT IGNORE THIS! Send it to at least 6 Friends and save their LIVES.
Alternatively save your self from 6 continuous years of bad luck.
Posts
20 comments:
sahi hai..................
ha ha!
tsk.. you probably didnt get the indian refrences..
im guessing jamaican TV is similarly random in content?
is randomness a side effect of swine flu?
umm.. i dunno.. why?
Sadistic.
And just an addendum to the Swine Flu bit, India has enough vaccines to treat 0.0015% of the population. Vakao.
(The UK and US have enough for 50% and 15% respectively)
sadistic? who? Robert Vadera?? Absolutely agree!!! :)
hmm - i think we can use a good flu. we are taking ourselves too seriously..
Good one. Now only if Pigs could fly...
then youd be a bird!!! heheehhehehe (not? i know!! :( see you soon fatso)
If pigs could fly, we'd be in deep shit.
Bah. Nikhilva Babu!
If pigs could fly, then I'd need a lot more exercise to get my breakfast... which is probably better for me in the long run... :P
all of you make interesting points..
Self D. - is it the girl or the boy? if girl then hi, if boy then im going to return your book, someday.
comedia - which one did you buy then, finally?
Why on earth would the boy have a woman's photo on here? Why?
hi..
Hi?
:|
How'd you figure out who this was so soon?
the photograph?
You forgot the health minister Ramdoss. While the flu will be killing people in India, the health minister would still be obsessed with Shahruk Khan, trying to convince him to stop smoking on screen :)
arre haan! what a crime! how could i forget our man in times of medical emergency!
brilliant.....two hours from i am going to conduct a show on Swine flu and will keep all your points in mind and no its not Ms Dutt...cheers
umm are you Ms. Dutt?
*faints*
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