The U-tab

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Who are you?

Yes - really, who are you?

WHO ARE WE??

Are we what we do for a living? Bankers, Soldiers, Waiters, Student??
Are we just Men or Women? Or are we defined by our Religion?
Ethnicity?
Or how old we are? Kids, Grandfathers, Teenagers?
Maybe we are simply defined by our love lives? Married, Single, Divorced etc.
Millionaire? Billionaire?
Nationality?
Number of Pets?
Gay or Straight?
Smokers/Non-smokers?

We at RSA Inc understand that who we really are is probably a random combination of the answers to all of the previous questions and a million more. So many answers, some obvious and many not so. Answers that continuously evolve, new questions get asked, and old ones become redundant... And with it friends, we change. We begin to become different people.

Oh this is all becoming very absurd.

What we are trying to say friends is that it is our firm belief that we really are a collection of thoughts, ideas, actions, emotions and acquaintances. These set of variables though are continuously changing. Why a successful, married scientist I once knew is now a deranged pothead (his wife left him for another man.) Sad my friends... Really really sad...

Bravo! - you might say... Sarcastically you might exclaim - riveting, Sir, your line of thinking, your opinions. Ugh refreshingly original, you might add.

Well do not be impatient with me friends. I have much to offer.

It is a tough world we live in friends? Right? Not many people we can trust. How would you like to know somebody you once were? Yes my friends, a year ago you were quite possibly a completely different person - how would you like to get in touch with him? Researchers at RSA Inc have scientifically shown that people 'change' on average every 118 days.

Ladies and Gentlemen - behold The U-tab

(Image - Replica of the U-tab, scale of replica to original - 30:1)

What is the U-tab? Well, in technological parlance, it’s fitted with 5 miniature steady cameras and one moving camera, a voice recorder and a computer with an 8000TB hard disk and 1TB of RAM.

The U-Tab is to be attached to you friend, your collar button, or may we suggest the front of your neck? During preliminary tests women and even men have chosen to wear the tab on their necks, foreheads, in the centre of their chests… We are working on the fashion factor friends, soon their will be a curvier U-Tab in red which will glow in the dark…

The U-tab acts as a really really big diary. It sees and hears everything, everyone you meet, talk to, everywhere you go, things you do, your responses, everything. Its tiny but robust computer works on this huge amount of data and collates according to basic categories. Then it begins to form a personality depending on the data you supply. With increasing usage the tab gets more and more information and begins to refine the personality profile. The tab works constantly and notices everything, it puts different packets of data under different personalities – tests have revealed that the tab can sense up to 28 different personalities or ‘people’ at the same time… Of course friends we do not expect you to stretch the tab to such limits.

With time as you surround yourself with different people, ideas, thoughts and actions, the U-tab notices and begins to formulate a new personality and a separate person (assuming there are changes, but as mentioned this does occur, as soon as every 118 days.)

So that’s the theory – what’s the purpose of it all? I can almost hear you say…

Well – after a while you can take the U-tab connect it to an output docket, and have a conversation with it. You can ask questions, throw ideas, curse or abuse and the tab will search its massive database and respond exactly as the personality it has formulated within itself would. To add a touch of realism, it will project a 3D image of the person it contains.

Interesting? Interested? Friends? Got questions? Call 1-910-779-8457 (Toll Free)

It’s a fascinating gadget I assure you friends, imagine the possibilities. You could ask yourself why you were so stupid as to take that job a year ago, and actually get an answer from your own head then. You could be creative friend; long distance relationships could become easier, imagine, if you were going away you could buy your girlfriend a U-tab and let her use it for a while, and then take it with you. It would almost be like living with your girlfriend in a way.

Oh there is one thing, if the tab isn’t used for a while, the personalities within it begin to fade. It’s not a quirk, but actually the outcome of an effort to get the damn thing to work with stability. So if we strap one across Stephen Hawking’s head, he might still solve problems related to astro-physics for a while after his death but not indefinitely…

I READ THIS THE OTHER DAY, FROM A LONG PAMPHLET STUFFED INTO MY POCKET AT THE STATION, I CALLED THE NUMBER. IT COSTS $600 OR $850 (FOR ONE WITH MORE MEMORY). COMPLETELY WORTH IT I THOUGHT. RESEARCH ON MY PART HAS REVEALED SOME INTERESTING ACCOUNTS FROM USERS OF THE tab, WHICH I SHALL SHARE WITH YOU SOON…