Terminator - Valentine's Day

I mean it was an ordinary Valentine’s Day and all. Most people were celebrating love and much indiscriminate sex was happening around town. Those who were kept out of this revelry, were seen grumbling, “How shallow. Don’t they get it?? It’s such a corporate hoax!!” Then they drowned themselves in their sorry drinks. Like I mentioned an average V-Day; which was made truly impressive by the following.

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Out of nowhere a giant ball of tacky sparks appears in a remote LA corner. You guess right! The Terminator is back, and he is naked!! Of course the nudity doesn’t embarrass our man till we hear the tender buzz of forbiddenfruit.exe. Immediately T2 blushes, but mind you, only slightly. He is after all the epitome of badassery.

It’s early morning rather than late in the night, the guys in 2029 screwed up big time man.

“Sthoopid Humins!”

So our friend hits a bus stop, and its overflowing with kids.

“Mommy that man has such a B-I-I-I-G!!!”

“I KNO-WWOW!!”

ff.exe starts to groan with embarrassment.

Our T2, puts up an awesome display of steadfast purpose and unwavering concentration, ignores all the hot Mommies and locates with pin-point accuracy the one man at the Bus Stop. He does have his doubts about him, but when you are super-mean, you couldn’t care less.

“I want your boots, your shirt and your pants!”

"Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

T2 grunts, “Whatever??!” and in little less than three seconds Forrest Gump is lying naked by the street and our man of steel is dressed in a blue check shirt, fairly comfortable running shoes and khaki pants. Of course he looks a lot less ominous, but T2 doesn’t know it, there being no FTV.exe.

(“Stupid Humans!”)

Anyway, the man-machine proceeds to fulfil his primary objective. Then he stops. Then he turns and walks back. Gump is thinking this is worse than Vietnam.

But the T2 only wants his hat. And his Box of Chocolates.

“I gotta find Bubba!”

“Jenny never will marry me now.” “This sss-ucks!!!”

And then in a moment that has moved many to tears and touched their souls permanently, Forrest got up and started to run. Whilst running, Gump yells to T2, “I’ll be BACK!!”

It’s a catchy phrase, thinks the Terminator, got a nice ring to it. “I’ll be Baak!”

To stop our man of action from wasting time mulling over his newly discovered punch-line, NortonAntiTrivial makes him kick the back of his own head. It’s a complicated manoeuvre if you think of it, one only he could have accomplished with such élan.

Moving on. T2 seizes a bike in proper Grand Theft Auto fashion and begins his search for John Connor. The crazy boy seems to be all over town, it being V-Day and everything. And both T2 and the T-1000 can’t keep track of him, plus the weather is horrible, so they are getting held up in traffic and all. But being robots, they don’t have a life, so they continue searching.

Foolish Man: (laughing hysterically) Dude the pants don’t fit you.
T2: Do you know John Connor?
Foolish Man: (still laughing) NO!!!
T2: Ok. I want your pants.
Naked Foolish Man: But Dude?? What the fuck??
T2: Life’s like a box of Chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Momma used to say.

T-1000: Do you know John Connor?
133rd Irrational Person: (slightly confused) No?? Should I ha…
[the T-1000 impales head]

So this goes on till the afternoon. And the T2 exhibiting spectacular lateral thinking; enters a bar in search of John. It’s packed and people are all over each other. Anyway, the Terminator starts to look for the Connor kid in that twisted mass.

Suddenly, a drunken slack sort of fellow, holding a White Russian in one hand bumps into our man and pours the drink all over him.

T2: Dude??
Man: Huh? Yes…
T2: Dude!! What the fuck??
Man: Yes… It’s The Dude himself. Do I know you Sir?
T2: Do you know John Connor?
The Dude: Well, I could. Why don’t you replace my drink? And lemme rummage through my thoughts? I dig your style big guy. Are you sure we don’t know each other?

Over drinks the T2 explains his predicament.

It’s a philosophical doubt, Do Robots Have Luck? Anyway, our man of steel seemed to have a lot of it. John was The Dude’s connection!! The Dude offered to take T2 to him, and while they waited for him to finish the drink, The Dude explained the significance of V-Day. He also explained how and why he was being chased by German Nihilists.

Suddenly –

The Dude: Hey Big Guy..
T2: Yes?
The Dude: That lady’s totally checking you out man.
T2: Fuck!! Yes... (Getting up) I’ll be baak!!

T2 returns in a moment, Bridget Jones wrapped all around him.

The Dude: I DIG your style man!!
T2: Yeah Dude!!! She be my Valentine. Bridget, Dude. Dude, Bridget.
T2: (whispering to The Dude) Dude she’s wild.
Bridget: (looking swollen, drunk, and foolishly happy) It’s a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life falls spectacularly to pieces another begins to look up.
The Dude: (whispering to T2) Big Guy, you think she’ll be cool with the, you know, the robot bit? No problemo?
T2: (Whispering back.) No Problemo! It’s V-Day!! It’s only a fling dude.
The Dude: DUDE!!! I love you.
T2: Yeah, well.

Outside the severely worsened weather and Bridget’s size force the three to take The Dude’s car. They hunt down Connor. The fucking runt gets T2 to rescue his mad mother. And all he does during this time is smoke up with Bridget and The Dude in the car. Then Mad Mom and Co. recover the chip and destroy the Cyberdyne building. The T-1000, who in the meantime has reduced average life expectancy in Los Angeles by 8 years, is always a little too late. Anyway, there are spectacular action sequences; the T2 is sprayed with bullets, Lebowski manages to hold on to his White Russian, Bridget and John look stoned, Mother Connor looks all violent and angry and scratches “No Fate” on every available surface using her knife and nails, but is of amazingly little help.

Anyway, the groups brilliant idea of saving John and hence the world seems to be to try and avoid the T-1000 till 2029. And this leads me to the next philosophical question, What Would Happen if the Robots stayed on till 2029? That’s where they were sent from! Anyway, there is no time to consider such inane matters in a breezy Hollywood movie.

After a few hours of running, they arrive at a busy intersection. Bridget needed to go to the loo, and so everyone else also decided to do their own thing. They stop outside a resto-bar and Sarah scratches “No Fate” on the road, The Dude pours himself another White Russian, John steals from the ATM and T2 stares into space. All this while the weather just keeps getting worse.

Suddenly –

T2: I need a vacation.
The Dude: Dude, isn’t this some vacation already?
T2: He’s baak you dipshit!

The T-1000 starts to run towards them, only 500m of road and one intersection lies between him and John. The Dude hides his drink, Bridget has fallen for one of the waiters and is now torn between him and T2, T2 starts to take aim, Sarah just yells and shows middle finger, again of no help! John isn’t done robbing the ATM.

The T-1000 was at the intersection and audiences were ready for another magnificent round of action when almost a thousand naked runners swamp the scene. The T-1000 is held up in the ensuing traffic snarl.

It’s Forrest Gump!!!

In just a day, he has convinced a mad many of the power of naked running when it comes to solving life’s greatest perplexities.

T2: Dude!! How’s Jenny? And Bubba?
The Dude: Nice Chocolates man. I really like what you have here, with your nudity and all. Very progressive. Have you found Jesus yet?
Sarah: You fucking idiot. You are going to die!!! All of you!!! NO FATE.
Forrest: Momma always said dying was a part of life.
The Dude: Whoa man!! Cheers to that.

Then Forrest being the incredibly nice guy he is; hugs T2.

Forrest: You showed me the way. Thank you.
The Dude, Bridget: Awwww.
T2: AWWW.
Sarah: No Fate.
John: We have $5700.

In the meantime, the T-1000 has seen to it that Gump’s followers would never ask another question of life or anything.

He starts to walk towards T2. The weather is so horrible, and it’s so bloody cold for February that you wonder what’s wrong. The Dude hides Forrest in his gown, Bridget and John are too drunk to feel the cold, and Sarah and T2 are just too badass.

But then this isn’t your normal snowy winter evening. It’s the Day After Tomorrow!!!! And as luck would have it our T-1000 is directly below the eye. Of course, as is logical, this freezes him. In a moment of quick thinking, The Dude finishes his drink and throws the heavy old-fashioned glass to T2.

T2: (hurling it at the frozen T-1000) Hasta la vista baby…

Audiences stand up to clap. But there is no time for it as the eye is slowly moving towards them. T2 asks them to head indoors. The Dude and Gump collect shattered pieces of the T-1000 and put them into two separate plastic bags. So that’s the end of him, rather ingenious I should add.

Anyway, so inside they start to smoke up and all again and it gets pretty cozy. Sarah and The Dude get to know each other and all. So there will be two Connor brothers and everything it seems. The world is safer.

T2: Dude!! What the fuck??
The Dude: She’s wild too man.
T2: L-O-L.
The Dude: So what’s the plan dude? You staying? With her? I mean you have that whole future robot thing going and all??
T2: No problemo. It’s V-Day dude, I’ll just ask her out and all.
The Dude: The waiter?
T2: Terminated.
The Dude: (To audiences) I dig his style man. This Dude abides!!

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BONUS (So that you will come come here, and not just FB): For Hindi Version of Wish You Were Here, check Comments Page!!! :) Also any other requests for translation are truly welcome. (I have nothing to do, even on Sundays!!!)