Swine Flu - The Indian Response

Most of you are either back from work, getting ready for work or are at work. (Whatay wonderful life!) Unless of course you are reading this on a weekend, in which case you have either just woken up, or going back to sleep or horribly drunk.

In the midst of this demanding life you may have missed the outbreak of Swine Flu in Mexico.

The WHO has been quick to take action and called it a “PANDEMIC” hoping that this will shame the virus to death. Of course it will be disgustingly lame and go on and on about how it’s done this for the first time in four decades!

Next they plan to rename the flu the North American Influenza, because everyone knows that naming a damn virus after its geographical origin is equivalent to letting it know that we think it’s totally gay. And who is scared of homosexual viruses? Again the WHO is optimistic of humiliating the bugs till they have no choice but to commit suicide.

Thank you WHO, for being so friggin’ awesome, no really. Please also let everyone know how there is only enough TamiFlu to save about five dozen of us.

The WHO is also currently building an ark.

Of course the WHO is not the only one with silly etymological concerns. Cookie questions the liberties we take when we name all the bad things using animal names. “Swine” Flu. “Dog’s” Life. “Cats”.

Anyway, in a few days the shit will really hit Indian shores.

Things will start with an innocuous SMS Poll on India TV.

Do you think you have Swine Flu? SMS SWINE Y or SWINE N to 588888. (Standard Rates Apply.)

In a few hours –

B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G NEWS!!!! Swine Flu; now also in India.

Within minutes a feisty Barkha Dutt will be seen dawdling around the Gateway of India. As a demonstration of her brand of hard-hitting, courageous and intelligent journalism, she will insist on not wearing a mask and resort to needless and fanatical yelling.

Then there will be a five minute clip of her staring with utmost concentration at the Arabian Sea.

Not to be left behind CNN-IBN will organise a chat show inviting the usual suspects.

1. Preity Zinta, who will be wearing over sized goggles and a dress that slips down a bit every time she raises her arms to make a passionate, although asinine, point.

2. Mohd. Azharuddin, looking typically shameless. Smiling and waving at the audiences who are actually spitting on him.

3. Amar Singh Ji, because it’s a chat-show.

4. Random Expert on Subject, who will be completely ignored right till the end, when he will be thrown one question and given exactly 60 seconds to give his inputs before being rudely told, “Sorry, I have to cut you there!” And immediately we break into an Amul Macho ad, “Yeh toh bada TOIIIINNG hai!”

5. Maneka Gandhi, for variety, because she will talk about how it’s cruel to kill the virus. And also what it means to be a Mother.

The Hindi Channels will all basically do the same thing. Angry bearded reporters will bark into their mikes from everywhere. On that day they will blame Swine Flu for everything, sad faces, no electricity, pollution, global warming and bad roads.

More SMS Polls will follow –

Do you still have Swine Flu?
Will you have Swine Flu next summer?
Are you worried about Swine Flu?
Is the government doing enough for You?
Do you know how to cure Swine Flu?

SMS Y or N to 588888.

A ticker will appear for people to leave emergency messages for their families. It will be unedited because every now and then you will read, “Hi Smriti, I LOVE YOU! Forever Only Tumhara, Sonu”.

Soon Astrologers and Tarot Card readers will be deployed. Patriotic by nature, they will, like always, construct a situation whereby in the end India will regain total supremacy of the world!

Mahesh Bhatt will speak over the phone and express his angst in a strange mix of Urdu and English across all 13 ‘major’ Hindi News Channels.

In the real world, our PM will rush to Sonia Gandhi’s residence for ‘discussion’. Sonia Gandhi will listen to her inner voice and therefore do nothing. Rahul Gandhi, full of youthful energy, and equipped with the titanic luxury of being a Gandhi and hence truly capable of single-handedly doing much, will exercise his ENTIRE MIGHT to safeguard every single person from the flu, in Amethi. And then fail, miserably, because the Congress does not form the State Government. Then he will cry about it.

Priyanka Gandhi will tell everyone that her nose is like Indira Gandhi’s.

No one will pay any attention to Robert Vadera.

Shri LK Advani the spirited octogenarian and the Leader of the Opposition will in effect call the PM a total pansy and then RAM say that if TEMPLE the BJP was in power it would BUILD take a more decisive stance.

The Left will cite the origin in Mexico as a clear validation of its Anti-American stance. They will elicit almost as much response as Robert Vadera.

Mayawati will demand 50% Reservation Quota for Swine Flu. Educated Indians will cringe and then not bother to vote against our future PM.

A 5th Front will emerge to woo the niche voter who is swayed only by Swine Flu concerns. This front will have exactly the same members as the 3rd and 4th Fronts and will also claim a sure win over 180 seats.

Psephologists the world over (only about three) will be stumped because sure-win claims would then total 1,750 for only about 525 seats.

Not one to miss out on the action, Ram Gopal Verma will announce a movie, with a customary gritty title; Sooar, Saale (starring: Vivek Oberoi), an intricate underworld drama with Swine Flu killing people in the background. Anil Kapoor will just go on and on about the friggin’ Oscars. Aamir Khan will appear in an advertisement to spread awareness, BUT ONLY if one of his movies is releasing in the same week.

In the midst of all this nonsense, Kalki Koechlin will continue to look AWESOME!

Lalit Modi and the entire star cast of IPL-II will be banned from returning to India because of travel restrictions. Before we can all celebrate Mr. Modi will use this as the perfect opportunity to immediately kick start IPL-III.

In the final analysis more people might die from the ensuing mind numbing boredom than from the global influenza.

So that’s that. DO NOT IGNORE THIS! Send it to at least 6 Friends and save their LIVES.

Alternatively save your self from 6 continuous years of bad luck.

Dev (Pee)D

So I was in Delhi the other day, and everything seemed, like, so cool. You know, like, so awesome, it hurt my eyes.

Why do they speak like that in Delhi?

But in most other ways it’s a brilliant place. Except I wish they’d stop being so annoyingly creative with their loo-signs. I went to this restaurant and they had the back half of an elephant's body stuck on the two doors, so that you saw elephant butts. And they were both the same shape, curve, size and had the same tail, so I did what was clear and intelligent, I bent a little to check if one of them had a dong swinging below the butt, but there was enormously nothing.

It was a very tough two minutes of my life, my bladder issues were making me woozy, once again I felt old, and I failed to make an educated guess regarding the complex sexual references laid out by tiny identical elephant asses.

Then one of the doors pulled inwards, and a stunning Japanese woman stepped out. In the light that came in from the loo, I swear it could have been from her face, I saw that the elephant butt on her door was pink.

Of course I had no time to flirt with her. Damn you, weak bladder!!!! She was really hot, and was wearing very little. With a heavy heart but also with great hurry I pushed open the door with the grey elephant butt and stepped in.

What next? Doors that creak H-I-S/H-E-R in Morse Code when you swing them?

HIS-HER in Morse

That would be, like, trippy bro. So fuckin’ cool, you know. That’s like my thing, trippin’.

***

When life begins, it’s truly awesome. Then little by little things start to turn into shit, the realities, facts and truths come together to screw up things with the gusto of Chengiz Khan and the precision of Chinese torturers.

Do you know that an average person kisses for only two weeks of his life?

Do you know that it is two times less than the quality time we spend in elevators? That it is only two times more than the average time spent doing exciting things like looking for socks and using toothpicks?

Do you know that there was a two week phase in my life when I was kissing?

On the brighter side, being more or less an average person, I have, statistically, an exciting future ahead of me!! Also, statistically speaking, if the ratio between that and tooth-picking is a constant then I’ll easily have a few decades of smooching.

Oh, in case you are wondering where I met with this sad bit of information, let me tell you the source is irrefutable. It was printed on a bottle of Snapple. (Made from the best stuff on Earth.)

Btw, the good folks over at Snapple also tells us –

1. Fish Cough.
2. The average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
3. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called tittle.

***

“Don’t give me that psychological bullshit.”

You guess right, I just watched Dev D. Mr. Anurag Kashyap, understand, such a sentence really stands out like a sore thumb in a Hindi movie.

“Who are you Florence Firangitale?”

Don’t get me wrong, I liked your movie! A lot, but not as much as I liked Omkara. Of course my love for Omkara doesn’t even come close to my love for Kalki. (Thank you for introducing her, and now lay off!!!!)

Mr. Kashyap, I know you are a dangerous and abusive man, please understand any obscene and insolent comment on this blog will be fucking erased in no time. So kindly refrain, I get a lot of family traffic you see. You are of course allowed to sing praises about my writing and leave a blinking link on PassionforCinema.

Anyway the movie is brilliant in large parts, but the brilliance is never allowed to overwhelm because there is a lot of unnecessary stuff, too many shots of Delhi traffic, that too in different shades and texture, too many sunrises all with varying no. of birds, I think three or four montages, and numerous versions of that camera trick from Requeim. (Ya the tying camera to body wala trick.) Also –

1. The scene with the old woman in the bus.
2. Hilaiye.
3. And a few more.

You are making a movie, not writing a post. Trim the not-so-brilliant bits. Let go. Not every little bit has to be crammed in. (Umm, I never face that problem though, while writing; it’s ALL awesome, in case you were wondering.)

At the end of it, it’s difficult to recollect the movie, even though I have now seen it twice, feels like you planned and thought of it in individual bits rather than as a whole movie.

(Don’t worry though; very soon you can take tips from my movie. Very soon.)

Abhay, good show, very similar to OLLO though, in some scenes I almost caught the OLLO crew in the background having tea. Did you actually shoot scenes simultaneously from different sides?

Okay, I am just being mean. It’s Holi Hai, and the apartment kids came in and left with Cookie, then they returned and took my parents. Then the maid. Then I waited in torn white clothes but there was silence, they didn’t even ask for me. Runts.

:(

Amit Trivedi, your music will be on my ipod Top 25 for a long long time. Thank god there is someone to save us from Rehman. Err, all you Slumdog Fanatics/South Indians/Patriots feel free to leave abusive comments. Nothing beats Emosanal Attyachar.

Kalki, please get in touch. I cook the most amazing Mutton Curry, floss regularly, have a single one inch long strand of colourless hair in the middle of my forehead, which you can play with but not break, because it brings me good luck, plus unlike AK am thin and tall.

***

So I reached the airport, ready to leave Delhi. I am early and I look in my bag for a book. Instead I find a small bottle of complimentary Grey Goose. Saali Khushi!!! So I do the clear and intelligent thing for the second time on my trip. I buy a bottle of mineral water, saunter into the loo, pee (pour) half of it out into the pot, of course I make (usual) zipping unzipping sounds, then I empty Grey Goose into water bottle. Then I place empty bottle in toilet loo and cover with crumpled toilet paper. Then I flush (fake) and leave. Then I sit before the cops and drink all the ‘water.’ Then I am smiling at everyone as I pop some Cool Mint. Security check is awesome, I don’t feel a thing, then I stand like Vitruvian Man. Then I start to listen to Jazz, Portishead, Pink Floyd, Goldspot, Franz Ferdinand, Yann Tiersen and Emosanal Attyachar, one after the other. Also I read Murakami, 100% Perfect Girl was the name of the brilliant story.