FYI: This BLOG is Getting a BooB Job

Umm.. Ya so sometimes you have a post that's really difficult to find a title for, and then sometimes there is the kind of post where the Title is the whole point.

So! (Bearst with Us!) Ehehehehee... No? Really?

Prude!

So - looking to change stuff around here. 

For starters Cookie who you all love more than me, needed her space on the blog. She is seen jumping off her favourite scooter for what is a bowl of assorted Cheese (on request.)

Anyway, the folks over at BSNL decided that now would be a nice time to 'down' their servers. So i'm left with an obscure combination of colours and an invisible sidebar.

These shall be rectified as soon as the server is up and running again, which might take anything from 3 days to 250 Rupees. 

***

It's not too bad though, get a chance to revisit my Tata Indicom data card, it allows me to take my reserves of patience to the next level. 

Conversations With Cookie - On the Other Realm

"Necessary Conditions for the Existence of this Heaven Place"

Cookie: What's the big deal with Heaven, anyway?

Me: Across cultures and all through history it's described as some type of peaceful life after death. A place of happiness, sometimes eternal happiness.

Cookie: Okay. And where exactly is "Heaven?"

Me: Popular view is that it exists as a place over the clouds and that God is above, watching over man.

Cookie: Like a physical place?

Me: Um..

Cookie: That would be friggin' brilliant though! Right? You could be a bum all your life and then "technology" could take you there!! In your face, GOD!!!

Me: I don't think that's how it works. It's..

Cookie: Say, Heaven must have existed forever right? Before religion and all?

Me: I guess, yes. That sounds fair.

Cookie: You know, suddenly, I don't have a good feeling about this. I mean it's difficult to believe there's this place floating above our heads, just like that. And it's big enough for every person ever, the ALL-TIME cumululative total population of the planet through history. Which is nearly 145 billion people plus a lot of dogs.

Swine Flu - The Indian Response

Most of you are either back from work, getting ready for work or are at work. (Whatay wonderful life!) Unless of course you are reading this on a weekend, in which case you have either just woken up, or going back to sleep or horribly drunk.

In the midst of this demanding life you may have missed the outbreak of Swine Flu in Mexico.

The WHO has been quick to take action and called it a “PANDEMIC” hoping that this will shame the virus to death. Of course it will be disgustingly lame and go on and on about how it’s done this for the first time in four decades!

Next they plan to rename the flu the North American Influenza, because everyone knows that naming a damn virus after its geographical origin is equivalent to letting it know that we think it’s totally gay. And who is scared of homosexual viruses? Again the WHO is optimistic of humiliating the bugs till they have no choice but to commit suicide.

Thank you WHO, for being so friggin’ awesome, no really. Please also let everyone know how there is only enough TamiFlu to save about five dozen of us.

The WHO is also currently building an ark.

Of course the WHO is not the only one with silly etymological concerns. Cookie questions the liberties we take when we name all the bad things using animal names. “Swine” Flu. “Dog’s” Life. “Cats”.

Anyway, in a few days the shit will really hit Indian shores.

Things will start with an innocuous SMS Poll on India TV.

Do you think you have Swine Flu? SMS SWINE Y or SWINE N to 588888. (Standard Rates Apply.)

In a few hours –

B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G NEWS!!!! Swine Flu; now also in India.

Within minutes a feisty Barkha Dutt will be seen dawdling around the Gateway of India. As a demonstration of her brand of hard-hitting, courageous and intelligent journalism, she will insist on not wearing a mask and resort to needless and fanatical yelling.

Then there will be a five minute clip of her staring with utmost concentration at the Arabian Sea.

Not to be left behind CNN-IBN will organise a chat show inviting the usual suspects.

1. Preity Zinta, who will be wearing over sized goggles and a dress that slips down a bit every time she raises her arms to make a passionate, although asinine, point.

2. Mohd. Azharuddin, looking typically shameless. Smiling and waving at the audiences who are actually spitting on him.

3. Amar Singh Ji, because it’s a chat-show.

4. Random Expert on Subject, who will be completely ignored right till the end, when he will be thrown one question and given exactly 60 seconds to give his inputs before being rudely told, “Sorry, I have to cut you there!” And immediately we break into an Amul Macho ad, “Yeh toh bada TOIIIINNG hai!”

5. Maneka Gandhi, for variety, because she will talk about how it’s cruel to kill the virus. And also what it means to be a Mother.

The Hindi Channels will all basically do the same thing. Angry bearded reporters will bark into their mikes from everywhere. On that day they will blame Swine Flu for everything, sad faces, no electricity, pollution, global warming and bad roads.

More SMS Polls will follow –

Do you still have Swine Flu?
Will you have Swine Flu next summer?
Are you worried about Swine Flu?
Is the government doing enough for You?
Do you know how to cure Swine Flu?

SMS Y or N to 588888.

A ticker will appear for people to leave emergency messages for their families. It will be unedited because every now and then you will read, “Hi Smriti, I LOVE YOU! Forever Only Tumhara, Sonu”.

Soon Astrologers and Tarot Card readers will be deployed. Patriotic by nature, they will, like always, construct a situation whereby in the end India will regain total supremacy of the world!

Mahesh Bhatt will speak over the phone and express his angst in a strange mix of Urdu and English across all 13 ‘major’ Hindi News Channels.

In the real world, our PM will rush to Sonia Gandhi’s residence for ‘discussion’. Sonia Gandhi will listen to her inner voice and therefore do nothing. Rahul Gandhi, full of youthful energy, and equipped with the titanic luxury of being a Gandhi and hence truly capable of single-handedly doing much, will exercise his ENTIRE MIGHT to safeguard every single person from the flu, in Amethi. And then fail, miserably, because the Congress does not form the State Government. Then he will cry about it.

Priyanka Gandhi will tell everyone that her nose is like Indira Gandhi’s.

No one will pay any attention to Robert Vadera.

Shri LK Advani the spirited octogenarian and the Leader of the Opposition will in effect call the PM a total pansy and then RAM say that if TEMPLE the BJP was in power it would BUILD take a more decisive stance.

The Left will cite the origin in Mexico as a clear validation of its Anti-American stance. They will elicit almost as much response as Robert Vadera.

Mayawati will demand 50% Reservation Quota for Swine Flu. Educated Indians will cringe and then not bother to vote against our future PM.

A 5th Front will emerge to woo the niche voter who is swayed only by Swine Flu concerns. This front will have exactly the same members as the 3rd and 4th Fronts and will also claim a sure win over 180 seats.

Psephologists the world over (only about three) will be stumped because sure-win claims would then total 1,750 for only about 525 seats.

Not one to miss out on the action, Ram Gopal Verma will announce a movie, with a customary gritty title; Sooar, Saale (starring: Vivek Oberoi), an intricate underworld drama with Swine Flu killing people in the background. Anil Kapoor will just go on and on about the friggin’ Oscars. Aamir Khan will appear in an advertisement to spread awareness, BUT ONLY if one of his movies is releasing in the same week.

In the midst of all this nonsense, Kalki Koechlin will continue to look AWESOME!

Lalit Modi and the entire star cast of IPL-II will be banned from returning to India because of travel restrictions. Before we can all celebrate Mr. Modi will use this as the perfect opportunity to immediately kick start IPL-III.

In the final analysis more people might die from the ensuing mind numbing boredom than from the global influenza.

So that’s that. DO NOT IGNORE THIS! Send it to at least 6 Friends and save their LIVES.

Alternatively save your self from 6 continuous years of bad luck.

The Tap and Other Incidents

Isaac Singer woke up only to find it to be one of those days where it didn’t really matter when and if he woke up at all. So he went back to sleep.

But fifteen minutes later he was wide awake, it also happened to be one of those days he couldn’t sleep off.

Sitting up, he looked around the room. It was rather late in the morning, he could tell from the brightened colour of everything, and the angry pool of light that fell between his legs. Other than that the room was exactly as he had left it last night. Of course, that was to be entirely expected since Isaac lived all by himself.

Standing before the basin, Isaac wondered whether thinking what would be appropriate to think at a particular time, counted as a legitimate thought.

He set aside that question and turned the tap before him.

The Tap.

It was an ordinary tap. But so old that even after water stopped flowing through, you could twist it five times around. Seven times, if you really wanted to. It was what ‘arthritis’ did to taps, quipped Isaac. Of course, he could share this only with himself... He always only turned it around just so that the water would stop.

And then he splashed his face several times before wiping it dry. And while he did this he realised he’d never really cared for the towels. Ordinary towels and so old that a single drop could almost soak them. It was what being threadbare did to towels...

Once again Isaac found himself quipping.

Sitting by the corner of his bed, Isaac considered it hugely comfortable to already be in the clothes he could spend his day in.


Yes! Yes, Isaac Singer concluded after three or four minutes of fierce deliberation. His ‘thought’ for that morning was going to be that he didn’t really know or understand what it was that he should spend time mulling over.

He wasn’t stupid, Isaac Singer as a matter of fact, knew of many important things to consider, but it happened to be the sort of day where it would make no sense to abide by the logical. His predicament was essentially silly and Isaac Singer had come to terms with that.

Or had he?

No. That was exactly the kind of debate Isaac had no time for.

And hence a crowd of a thousand ‘irrelevant’ arguments and ‘futile’ recollections from the past were screaming in disappointment, begging to enter, but Isaac kept them out.

They wouldn’t be..

And then, all of a sudden, he noticed the creepy-crawly insect for the first time. It was a giant Beetle, Isaac guessed, though he couldn’t say for sure. It was definitely a large insect, half the size of his fist, albeit a small fist.

Immediately Isaac sprang up, bent over his bed and waved his arm across the blanket. The insect was flung into space and traveling right across the room in a single brilliant arc, it crashed its back on the floor. Bouncing and spinning, it proceeded to slide below the cupboard.

Ordinarily Isaac would pay this incident no further attention; beyond the disappearance of the beetle below the cupboard. But the insect had crashed rather loudly and Isaac was curious to know what became of it.

The cold floor touched Isaac’s neck, jaw, cheek and finally his ears; but by then the neck was warm once again. And then his jaw, cheek and again, finally the ears.

Stressing his eyes, he saw the insect.

Like Isaac Singer, the poor beetle was stranded in a ridiculous situation. It was lying on its back; Isaac vaguely remembered having read that beetles couldn’t return to their feet once they fell on their backs. He definitely remembered reading that this was a difficult job for them.

But then he couldn’t have read…

In this case even if it could, the insect wouldn’t be able to. There was only a single inch of space between the cupboard and the floor and the beetle was broader than that. All it could do was madly and in total futility thrash away its tiny legs.

What was the insect thinking then? Did it know it was going to die? What would it think if and when Isaac rescued it? Did insects think at all? Was that the only way to get around the absurdity of, inexplicably and most suddenly finding oneself trapped in that obscure fashion? If it had one, what would be its final wish?

Isaac got up. He knew there was nothing slim and long enough in his room to pull out the insect. Even though a simple newspaper would do perfectly.

***

"What a strange man! An idiot, actually."

“What does the day’s news mean to him??"

"Why would anyone waste his final wish on a damn newspaper and five minutes with himself in the same bloody cell?”

“Beats me! He also asked for his tap to get fixed!”

"At least, he didn't ask to eat lobster. They always do that. Bastards!"

"Ya, lobsters. But that would make some sense!"

Conversations with Cookie - Battle of the Species

"Finding Out Who Kicks Whose Butt Day"

Me: Done?

Cookie: Done. Dude, dogs kick human butts, like so hard!!

Me: We'll see about that... Shoot!

Cookie: In the US alone ferocious Rottweilers kill upto a dozen people every year!!

ehehehehee!!!

Me: In Malaysia they have a festival delicacy during the Gawai (harvest day). It's called "Pekasam Semalam" - basically they stuff their dogs with whatever grain they were harvesting through the day.

The next day, brutal as it may sound, they make the dogs purge and barf everything they were earlier fed; swinging them in circles by the tail. And then they collect the dog vomit and serve with salt. Of course there's also rice wine!!

Cookie: SHIT MAAAAAN!!!

Conversations with Cookie - On Earth Day

Cookie: Humans are such rotten animals! Yesterday I was watching that Inconvenient Truth movie and it made me so angry I could totally kill someone.

Me: Earth Day? It's so lame man, like all they can come up with is Gore.

Cookie: I Know!! Hmm.. Anyway!! How do you justify the criminal imbalance between what humans give to this planet and what they take away? How are you going to even begin to explain all this pollution to your kids?

Me: I don't know... I guess, who needs the wilderness if you have lots more ice cream, free music and Call of Duty XXI?

Cookie: Don't reduce everything to frivolous humour. It's our PLANET! We have only ONE! CO2 levels are the highest in 650,000 years. The 10 hottest ever years were all in the last 14!!!! There is a strong chance that a major ice sheet in Greenland or in West Antarctica will collapse in this decade! Either of which would raise global sea levels by over 20 feet, flooding coastal areas and creating 100 million fresh refugees!!!!

Me: Okay...

Cookie: If I were human, I'd stop worrying about the economy.

Me: But..

Cookie: You serve no real purpose on this planet. You have your fancy cars, and your fancy jobs and your bizarre and pointless space exploration and fucking stupid Bono. But to make your own lives comfortable and interesting you pollute. Like PIGS!!!

Me: Calm d...

Cookie: No!!!!

Me: O..

Cookie: FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT SOME REAL PROBLEMS!!!!

Me: Like??

Cookie: Take for instance the fact that when the automobile driver uses his car, in effect, he saves a certain quantity of energy by not walking. The energy provided by food is then stored in the form of fats. As the driver accumulates fat (energy), the automobile wastes fossil fuel (energy). The automobile could in fact acquire its energy directly from the driver, solving at once, obesity, pollution and the energy crisis. An intimate reciprocity between man and machine. That is ALL you should think about.

Me: You are right, you know.

Cookie: I know.

Me: Say, how do you justify being a pet? All you do is rob the world of much livestock, cheese and mango... You do recollect, the Wikipedia page from last week? Your particular breed of dog, The Samoyed, is known for a loud bark, and hold your breath, a wide smile. And that most Samoyeds wont even make good sheep dogs because after a while the sheep lose total respect for err, a smiling dog. I think I'm going to get a pet I can eventually eat. An intimate reciprocity..

Cookie: *wags tail*

6 Awesome Torture Techniques (You Haven't Heard Of)

What’s with me and parentheses these days? (What the heck, though??)

Since the dawn of time men have absolutely hated each other. Throughout history, this mutual disgust has led to the discovery of one putrid torture technique after another.

Of course mankind has had other concerns too, namely a Conscience. Coupled with a matchless talent for heroic underachievement this sense of right and wrong led to the creation of the United Nations.

The United Nations, or the UN, or the UriNal, as it is respectfully known in North Korea (yeah, what can I say, Kim Jong-il and his primitive jokes) has in its typical bureaucratic elegance defined torture as –

“any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a male or female person for such purposes as obtaining from him, or a third person, information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity. It does not include pain or suffering arising only from, inherent in, or incidental to, lawful sanctions.”

Continuous recitation or written reproduction of the above paragraph for only a few minutes is now a certified form of highly potent and severely unbearable psychological torture.

Of course it’s too soft a method (c’mon UN, will ya stop being so gay, like all the time??) to make it to the following, legendary, Hall of Pain.

1. Boiling is to torture, what the missionary position is to a good night’s rest. Quick, crude, lazy, yet highly effective, to the point, and will never be out of fashion. Of course, you won’t get full marks for imagination, but what the fuck?

Don't try this at home!!

It is unclear when boiling evolved from what we did to tea leaves to what we did to one another.

But I guess it all started when in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, the slave girl killed those thirty-seven thieves by pouring boiling oil into their hiding-jars.

Then the Romans were known to boil all slaves brought in for interrogation. Apparently a slave was not to be trusted until his brains were sufficiently cooked. Of course, the English took boiling to the next level. They experimented with medium, using oil, tar, tallow and even molten lead.

Cookie: *gasp*

What’s with pirates and torture? Cat o’ nine tails, caning, birching, walking the plank?? It’s like they do such things for fun!

Oh.

2. Keelhauling So one day you are being a normal, good-for-nothing, syphilis infested pirate with stale rum pouring out of most of your orifices and minding your own business. Then all of a sudden it’s your day to make up for the lack of TV, years without women and those cowardly Navy Seals shooting you with sniper rifles.

So what do your buddies do?

They tie you to a rope that loops beneath the vessel, throw you overboard from one side and drag you under the ship’s keel to the other side, very quickly.

Sound’s like a bit of drunken revelry eh? Not much torturing huh? Go back to your Pirates of the Caribbean; you’ll recall that the hull was basically covered with those darn barnacles! Our good friend would return with some super serious cuts.

Sometimes to make it more interesting, they’d pull slowly. The weight would lower the pirate below the barnacles, but then there was always the little technicality, of drowning.

Some guys have all the luck! (all the time!!)

And now dear reader, ancient Greece.

3. The Brazen Bull. A hollow bull cast of pure bronze. The poor criminal would be shut inside and a fire would be lit under it.

Before you could count to 33,000 the bull would be white hot, and the inmate completely roasted.

The Greeks weren’t really into getting the criminal to divulge stuff. All they wanted was a little torture before murdering the poor fellow. (In your face, Amnesty International!!!!)

Sketch from private [stolen {not by me (seriously)}] diary of a guard at Abu Gharib

So what makes this so sick eh?

Well the Greeks stuffed the nose of the bull with incense, so that the death gave off a pleasant smell. Then they engineered a series of locks and tubes into the head, so that all screams were translated into furious bull snarls. So, all in all, The Brazen Bull was fully Euro V and Bharat VIII compliant.

Oh and to, to finance all this tomfoolery, they sold the charred bones as bracelets!!!!!

Cookie: *shriek*

4. The Scold’s Bridle was an iron cage for the head with an iron spike projecting into the mouth and resting precariously atop the tongue. So as to cruelly torture the tongue if it dared stir.

It was inflicted on women who spoke too much. And so heavy was its demand that at one time it was believed to have singlehandedly driven the industrial revolution.

The French Version - Haute-Couture, but misses the basic premise of torture. (No tongue spike!!)

But then the fad died a natural death, probably because it started to kill the concept of impromptu oral sex. (Which, by the way, was pretty big in the Middle Ages, and then again, only in the 70s.)

5. Stocks were used to torture man through public humiliation since forever. I am talking about –

In modern times, with minor changes, these are BIG in the pornographic industry (Source: Wikipedia)

My interest in the above, is of course only scholarly, I hope you are with me on this one, dear reader? (Oh yeah?)

Anyway, the Brits used this by leaving people strapped in a Stock, in public, for days. Barefeet. Because apparently being caught without footwear was like the worst possible humiliation and all.

It is one of the reasons the Brits found the Stock to be completely ineffective on Indians during their rule. The other is that we totally eat a lot of garlic.

For my final entry dear reader, I leave you with a mental image.

6. The Punishment of the Picquet.

Imagine a stake in the ground with one sharpened end facing upward. The malefactor is, with one thumb suspended from a tree, while the opposite naked foot is balanced atop the stake.

The point of the stake on which the foot rests is sufficiently sharp to cause considerable discomfort but not enough to penetrate the flesh or separate bones.

By relieving pressure from his foot, the prisoner places all of his weight on the suspended thumb, whereas, by relieving tension from his thumb, the prisoner exposes his foot to the full effect of the Picquet…

A real situation dear reader, a real Catch. Catch 22. (The biggest there is, the only worth mentioning.) Eh?