Letters to Cookie - It's a *Crazy* World, Dear Dog

Dearest of All Cookie,

What are the haps?? I know, I know. I really am sorry, I didn't think of this earlier. What can I say, I'm an idiot, I had simply, forgotten, that you could write a letter to someone.

So?!! Does someone check if your nose is damp all the time? Are they cutting your freakishly quick growing nails every Sunday? And do you still get your occasional dose of liquor chocolate?

No? What can I say, not everyone is as AWESOME as me.

Anyway. You do know I'm not the average person. I mean I'm the only person we know that deliberately speaks softly while wearing loud earplugs. Sometimes, the music wont let me hear my own words, but to the world I'm this totally in-control-person, at least volume wise.

Ya!

But, dear friend what has happened over the last few weeks has been extraordinary even by my standards.

EXTRA-fucking-ORDINARY.

No, you stupid dog, I don't mean really really ordinary. No. No! Really, extraordinary.

The Write for The Remaining Silence, is a stellar blog. I know you feel it that way, I have seen it in your eyes ever so often. Be that as it may, I have not done a very good job of making enough internet friends to frequent this place.

And so, this island of scintillating literary achievement receives about fifteen visitors a day on average.

And then suddenly..

On the night of October 15th I get 413 visitors. By the next morning I have had 750 hits in less than 48 hours.

Now I know that this is one really brilliant blog. I mean it has moved girls to silly tears with stories like this. And won me sillier awards here. And much appreciation there. Sometimes it's even made me fall in love with myself. But it isn't SO awesome. I know you agree, I have seen even that in your wonderful eyes.

And so I do a little tehkikaat.

Cookie, www.slowtumblinglife.blogspot.com is now the internet's No. 1 Google Search item for "Awesome Torture Techniques".

First of all, WOW. I'm so cool!!! Right?

Second, I can't help but be a little scared about the whole thing. I mean I know the article doesn't endorse Torture, and is a silly and frivolous piece of writing mostly stolen from Wikipedia, but still.. Damn it! If it wasn't for this crazy (but also totally true) correlation between how awesome my life gets and the no. of visitors I have here every month I'd delete that post.

Third, Cookie, what kind of sick people inhabit this world? Who the hell searches for "Awesome Torture Techniques???" My God!

Fourth, surprisingly after two or three days the hits have fallen dramatically. It can mean only one thing. It's a fixed set of a 1000 folks that search for these keywords. Once they realised they'd not get their perverted kicks out of a family website like this, they have stopped bringing their disgusting asses here.

I say Cookie, these people should all be arrested for some solid questioning. WHAT YOU SAYS?

Which brings me to my final observation. Is life really awesome this month, with all these extra hits?

I don't know Cookie, the correlation is surprisingly intricate. Just like all these extra visitors came here without me having to move a muscle, life has been exceptionally awesome through sheer luck and past effort.

I'm doing a play. It is BRILLIANT. I have not has as much fun in a long time! :)

More about it later. Have to get into character before rehearsals.

Hey, if you have any tips on how I can be sexy and turn on a woman, that will be really helpful!

L.M.N.O Better the World for the Worse

L, M, N, O were all of six. Short pants, dirty hands, broken knees and good hearts. They were not like the other kids, though. L, M, N, O played separately, laughed sensibly and most importantly thought differently.

(This is not a poem.)

L - What would be best, you know?

O - What?

N - Robot-Slaves?

M - No! A machine that allows us, the whole world, to be caught in a single-day loop!

L - YES!!

N - Okay, that would be AWESOME.

O - Ya. What day will it be?

L - It's like this...

M - So we make this thing, and then we tell everyone a year in advance. So that we can all be prepared. And on that day we can all do brilliant things for 24 hours and then that's it.

L - Yes, we can eat ice-cream, the grown ups can have all their sex, no one will work, everyone will have a day full of pure fun.

M - And then we do that everyday, forever.

L - And no one will get bored, because every time we start afresh. So it will be like having this great experience for the first time ever.

O - I wont even go to school.

M - Of course you wont silly, we will be the same age forever. We won't need stupid school.

N - But..

L - What?

N - Don't you think this plan is flawed?

M - No?

N - Look, so you will announce it to the world a year in advance that, a particular day, will now be the ONE particular day forever. Very nice. Thank you! Enter the human mind. Dude? Everyone is going to want to have the BEST possible day ever. O, wont you want to slap that bully from school on that day?

O - Well, yes!

N - Let us imagine for a while that you do! Now the awful bully is going to try and hunt you down and get back because you have just hit him for eternity. O, my friend, you will spend the rest of forever running and hiding. Awesome??!

O - Oh!

N - What about the grown ups? They will all want to spend tons of money that day on everything in the world just so that they can really really enjoy themselves. But everything is going to be closed, no? The movie halls, the strip-bars, everyplace! Because no one will fancy being a stripping stripper forever, or the guy that sells popcorn down at the theatre.

O - AND, evil countries will probably spend the one year time, just plotting war. And then on that day missiles will fly around everywhere. And there you have it a never ending day of death and destruction.

N - Man. I tell you, such a machine is the worst idea ever. L, don't make one! The only good way to use it would be if we all slept through the day or watched TV. But that would be B-O-R-I-N-G!

M - I guess so.

L - Hmm. Damn!

M - Say, Robot-Slaves it is then?

N - Yes, of course. Totally.

L - Sometimes, these ideas bug me no end. I hope when I grow older I don't get them.

O - Stop reading about space-time being one forever defined loaf of bread. That just spoils everything.

N - I know.

L - Okay.

L, M, N, O then went about discussing the pros and cons of building a machine that gave us the ability to travel through time. A time-machine basically.

Kids!

seriously@whathashappenedtomylife.com

No really, wtf?

So get this, Sundays used to be these awesomely slow and lazy things just a few months ago. I’d wake up and then fall asleep and basically do this for a while. And then there’d be much wrestling with the dog and pillows, hours spent taking a dump while making stupid ipod playlists, cracking jokes about how boring my folks were (with my folks), and TV. Oh then I’d go with the driver to buy meat around the afternoon, then I’d cook the meat and then dog and I would eat it sitting in the balcony under the stars. Then I’d brush my teeth and floss and make a real night out of it and fall asleep listening to some music with the dog sleeping between my legs or over my head.

AND NOW???

First off, no dog! Seriously it’s driving me crazy. Dudes, I miss Cookie!!! It’s the truth! I miss her more than I missed my first girlfriend when she left for Purdue, (that was by far the sappiest relationship I was in.)

I mean I walk like a ghost around Delhi staring at all the nice dogs, somehow keeping myself from stealing one of them. I am one of those pathetic women that stare at babies. It’s sick!

But the brilliant thing is the dogs seem to sniff out my affection for them. The other day, I am standing in my brother’s porch and this awesome Labrador dog jumps over the gate of the house on the other side of the road and runs to me. You should have seen the lady-owner. She was SO jealous!

Slowtumblinglife brushes his teeth at night no more! His giant collection of flavoured floss organised by texture and then thickness lies ignored and completely unused. Really guys, I am neglecting my teeth. Who saw that coming? Huh? Who? I enjoyed flossing man, till my gums bled and my teeth were so smooth further flossing caused sparks to fly out of my mouth.

I’m no more that guy. *sniff*

Then there is thing about living alone. I’m becoming such a housewife. I worry about my clothes losing colour because I left them out in the sun for too long. I line up my glasses, spoons and forks every now and then and take roll-call because I’m convinced my cook is a thieving witch. I buy phenyl and harpic! I get my loos washed every day. I worry when my friends sit on my couch. I insist on using tea coasters. I change sheets. I carry a lunch box. I put leftovers in the fridge. I know where the friggin’ candles are!!! DUDES!!!

And Sundays aren’t the lazy slow motion days they used to be. MAN! Take today for instance. I have office-work to do. I have to go the bank and renew my debit card. I have to buy grocery and milk. I have to give my clothes to the ironing lady. I have to pay the maids their salary. I have to get my car serviced. Swati is visiting; I have to catch up with her. And I have rehearsals for my play. Then I have to meet the hommies and watch a movie, get drunk and go out and have a nice time. I have to ensure the cook makes dinner. BLOODY HELL!!!! I want back my simple existence.

Hmpf.

Oh are you wondering how I found the time to write this? Because, dear reader, things might change around me but slowtumblinglife’s life will forever be inherently tragic.

So last night I broke my middle toe. It’s the most pointless piece of my body. Why do we even have the middle toe? Seriously? So anyway… I can’t drive and I’m stuck at home. It's the worst! That’s the thing.

A Collective Understanding of Something (Anything) Strange

Umm… What surprises me, to this day is, well, is how I never think of him when I’m at home or working or with my children or on holiday or… or buying grocery.

No, it’s funny, I never think… Sometimes, sometimes I even… I tell myself I will but then, I don’t know for some reason, I…I… I don’t… It’s almost as bizarre as, you know… him? Ha.

But then as I get off the train and, umm, I guess even as it slows down for my station, he is… he is… he is all I have in mind. Just him! All the way, as I walk to my building, to my desk at work, there is this nothing else I think about.

Umm…

Things like, you know, the obvious… What? Why? How long?

No, no, no… I take it that he will be there. Same place, same clothes, same expression.

It’s one of the few things that are a safe bet nowadays. Hahaha! You know? With all these rumours of recession and the stock markets, it’s nice… Haha?

Okay, I’m getting late. Thanks. Thanks, dear. Will this be in the news? Oh?! Oh, thanks.

***

You know from where I sit at work, it’s the 39th floor and I can see him sitting there.

I have been with him since the beginning. Three years right? Three years! Can you believe that?

***

I think there is a lot we need to learn from him.

You know… why he selected this place? He sits before the busiest business centre in the country, perhaps the world!

That says a lot. He is saying a lot without having uttered a single word in all these years.

It’s a judgement. Here is this man, his silence, his stillness, mocking us. Our lives, our society and how all of us are just mere slaves of money.

That sort of thing.

Really, if you ask me, there is a lot we can learn from him. I have, you know, I value different things now. My family, my kids, my friends. You know the, the real things.

***

Of course now it’s much less of a spectacle. In the beginning it was crazy. Remember?

Some days, when I’m working late, and the office is almost empty, I walk down to the street for a smoke. And there he is; I stand before him, right before him.

Does he notice this?

Yes. Hahaha. I stand like I would before a painting.

And if it’s raining… That’s when it’s poetic.

His legs crossed at the ankles, and his fingers hanging between his thighs, like always. Except now there is rain. And he just sits there, soaked…

And when the winds gather pace, his shirt, that striped linen shirt, it starts to flutter madly. As if it’s trying to escape.

Ya, like it’s trying to run away.

If you look closely, he is as tranquil as ever. Maybe even more so.

And all the rain in the world and the strongest winds amount to nothing. Because that scrawny man sitting there won’t move. And he doesn’t protest. He just doesn’t take note.

Cars whizz by, colouring him in red and yellow and blue. And he won’t even blink.

I’m sorry.

***

Is it a message from God? Bah. You have all these crazy people queuing up before him, singing, lighting candles, leaving him food and clothes and flowers. The say the world will end the day he doesn’t turn up.

Woo-ooo-ooo.

That’s such a load of shit. He is just a smart man! Imagine being so famous, and rich, they say the newspapers pay him millions. They must be! And what for? For sitting on a fucking bench before offices where millions of people fucking work their asses off to earn a living. An honest motherfucking living. What a sick fucking bastard!

He is playing with us. I say they should put him in fucking jail. I know I’ll be the unpopular one around here, but someone’s got to stand up and say the motherfucking truth.

Message from God. Jesus Fucking Christ, eh? Jesus Fucking Christ!!

If he has a fucking message, when the fuck is he going to say it? After Judgement Day, eh?

What’s he waiting for? Motherfucker?!

***

That is as false an accusation as one can make. He has never taken any money from the offerings made at the site. We have round the clock footage of the man since the first day.

Well, yes, you’re right no one can say with authority that that was exactly the first day. But we are sure it’s pretty close. At this location, that is.

We are not sure if this has happened elsewhere.

He does pick a little food and occasionally, every few months, the odd piece of clothing.

Hahaha. We wish he’d take a little more. It’s a nightmare maintaining the area.

Err, yes, you are exactly right, we donate the rest.

Personally? I don’t know; I have no opinion on the man.

***

He gives us hope. There is peace in his eyes. They placed a crying baby in his hands once. They had to hold the little baby, because he wouldn’t.

After a while, the baby stopped crying! That’s amazing? Just like the movies.

No, it’s just him. The others are just losers who are trying to be like him. One of them idiots from downtown tried to sit outside our block, in the same way, he even wore the same clothes; he passed out in the heat by the afternoon. Asshole, was taken to the hospital. Haha.

***

On behalf of the people of this great nation, I wish Mr. Isaac Singer the best. I do hope he finds what he is looking for and the prayers of my family and me are always with him.

***

I think what bothers me is the lack of explanation.

I mean who is Isaac Singer? Why does he walk to that bench every morning to sit in the same clothes wearing the same expression for the last three years? What’s he trying to prove? When will he say something? Why is he doing this to himself?

And yet, these unanswered questions form the beauty of the whole thing.

You know what I’m waiting for, the day he says something, or doesn’t show up. The day the mystery unfolds.

And yet, that’s a day I dread more than any other.

Swing 39

It's raining! FINALLY!

Special ingredients for a totally rad morning -

1. Rain
2. Tea
3. Much time to read the News.
4. No Swine Flu, yet!
5. The company of a swag of brilliant humans.
6. Music of the following kind -

Conversations With Cookie - Same Old

Me: H-E-Y!!

Cookie: Hi.

Me: Long time, eh?

Cookie: Yeah.

Me: So, what's up?

Cookie: Same old.

Me: Ya?

Cookie: Hmm.

(Ya so basically, I think I am back!)

Cookie: So?

My Giant Foot (A Portrait of the Artist as a Loser)

So, I wake up one morning
And what do I find?
A giant right foot,
that’s always been mine.
How odd I say, to myself!
But finally, my own voice
To share with everybody else.

And the crowds gather,
as I let them know.
They stand in admiration
as the words they flow.

(Oh what fun!)

The circus??
Well, it continues,
I’m on the bloody TV and
there are even some reviews.
They have the nicest things to say,
Suddenly my smile is making
everyone’s day.

(I’m an awesome dude!)

And then one morning,
they finally decide
it’s time
to have one serious look
at my giant foot.

Collectively they sigh,
(SIGH!)
That's really not SO big!!
HAHA.
He’s only got it too close to
his bloody nose.

(A giant nose, albeit!)

And then they leave.

Now, I wake up every morning
with ordinary feet..

Sometimes, I look into myself
and God knows, it’s true,
my head is choked with stuff
that’s pretty deep.

But I get what’s best for me,
And so I go right back
to my bloody sleep.

Aristotle Didn't Get Much (QED)

So I was in the loo today and suddenly I couldn't remember what got Archimedes all excited. (No! I didn't run out naked!! Ladies???! ehehheeehe. No? Ok sorry.)

I mean I knew that he got into his tub and then some water spilled over (some say splashed, in which case Archimedes was being naughty).

STOP PRESS: Did You Know - If brackets open in the middle of a sentence and close before the end of the sentence, the full stop comes after the closing bracket. Where a sentence is entirely in parenthesis, the full stop comes inside the second bracket.

And, Eureka!

Ahh I remembered; he was asked by his King to find a way to say for sure that the new royal wreath was made of solid gold.

Sometimes, I forget things.

Which brings me to Aristotle. I'm reading this (sort of) tedious book on philosophy, and it starts off with the days and lives of the great thinkers of ancient Greece.

The most fascinating thing in the book yet is Plato's disgust with democracy and his complicated solution - the formula for a Utopian world where the best and the brightest would be plucked and taken through 50 (!!!!) years of intense training before being handed over the city-state to run. Which is awesome except we'd have to wait half a century for the first batch of seasoned politicians to take charge. Also ancient Greece had a life expectancy of 13.2 years.

And if the chosen few defied logic and made it through, they were forbidden from having sex, earning money or buying property.

Clearly, Plato wasn't really into the idea of voting (or fun). He also suggested the enforcement of strict birth control to maintain resources.

Wait a minute, Plato was Chinese!

(That's it, slowtumblinglife, NO MORE TRAFFIC FROM CHINA. Also watch out for that heat ray from outer space sent to zap you!! MUHAHAHA.)

While what he says makes sense, ie, it is highly unlikely that a large bunch of people will ever choose the BEST person to lead and govern them (eg. India); it is difficult to achieve his plan in practice.

I mean you can't do away with choice totally. And in this case you'd be putting that choice in the hands of a few people actually selecting the future leaders.

The other interesting thing is how stupid these really really brilliant great philosophers were.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, Aristotle.

So Aristotle completely laid the foundation for Western thought over the next thousand years by giving Logic it's first formal treatment. He also contributed to the study of Physics, Ethics, Politics and Poetics. In fact it is said that he was the last person ever to know everything there was to know at his time.

(Btw, we have Wikipedia. In your face Aristotle!!!)

But Aristotle also made hilarious errors. Like he concluded, after much deliberation and study and with great confidence that -

1. The brain served to cool blood.
2. The sun was actually a chariot. (Okay FINE, that was us Indians!)
3. Men had eight ribs on each side.
4. Women had fewer teeth than men.

The last one really makes me laugh. I mean here you are doing seminal work on the nature of God, and you don't have the time for one lingering look into a lady's mouth?

So I guess Aristotle set the earliest trend for nerds everywhere - he wasn't getting much.

She does have a small face. So of course, fewer teeth. What GIANT BREASTS, though!! Totally explains why she is so smart.

Oh, I was also troubled by two other things in the loo today, for which I turned to the Internet later..

So a double entendre is a phrase that is used to convey two meanings, one pretty straightforward and the other usually risque and inappropriate.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter: "I'm having a dear friend for dinner." *wink wink*

AND

Vignette is pronounced vi-ni-yet.

Sometimes when I want to ask someone how to pronounce a word, and not admit it, I say, "How exactly do you pronounce this word?"

Sometimes when I forget a persons name, and I don't want to admit it, I say, "What's your full name?"

Ohh My, Satellite

The Drones.

I think they are AWESOME, especially live.

Now before you yell, "Ohh, what sad lyrics. Morbid Even!"

I don't know, don't really pay attention to the words. Look at him go, and you'll even find this vaguely cheerful?

The Brian Jonestown Massacre.

Dig it! (Btw, How many people have songs named Satellite? What's with us??)

Slowtumblinglife Chale Dilli

I left home and therefore Bihar when I was really tiny. Six years old. And surely a lot of who I am now, comes from the next 12 years that I spent in Naini Tal.

Or does it?

I can’t say. It’s always difficult for me to say exactly who I am; also I have very faint recollections of school.

No. No. There’s absolutely no deliberate attempt at novelty-existentialism there.

I think nobody can answer such questions. First off, who really has the time to think of it? And second, even if you do (strange person!) what can you say. We are all such different people from one day to another and definitely from one year to the next.

Plus can you even begin to go to the next one – why we are the way we are.

Anyway!!

Two years ago I returned home and therefore to Bihar. I’d hardly expected work to take me there, and was given little time to prepare and no choice at all.

Everybody told me it was a great move, the place had great lineage (a continuous string of great managers had worked and emerged from Bihar) and it would offer fabulous opportunities for quick and thorough understanding of my work.

For some reason I was suspicious. Not that the people were lying, what they said was all true, but then it was ALSO BIHAR!!!

Funnily, I was no social butterfly in Delhi. In my last two years I avoided almost everyone there, mostly because I was too busy surviving Delhi School but also because I was becoming an antisocial bastard. But there was always this comfortable option of stepping out and doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted.

And then suddenly, in August 2007, I found myself in Patna.

In the beginning it was crazy, to say the least.

Living together with my parents after 17 years was fairly tough. I wasn’t used to being told what to do and they didn’t know what exactly to do with me. For the first few months there was nothing we did other than fight and yell at each other.

At work I got this sinking feeling of being immediately written off. With good reason, too! Everyone thought I was just a little bit too soft for a career in sales and especially a stint in Bihar. Plus I was pegged as being too anglicised!

And I was.

In the first week itself, I muttered, “What stupidity is this?” to one of the people who worked for me.

He thought I called him, STUPID. This apparently is horrible, because it was in English. What followed was the most embarrassing face off between me and the organisation; they simply refused to listen to anything I’d say.

I remember sitting in my office with rainwater leaking onto my table; all these people I barely knew sat huddled in the adjacent room. They were not cooperating with me and definitely didn’t have nice things to say about me.

I felt stupid, helpless and like a 23 year old bullied boy. (They were all old married men. With moustaches…)

Of course I hit back and really hard too, said some of the most awful things ever to all of the people. Even made a few of them cry!! It was a real childish thing to do, like blowing up a building to put off the fire.

I think the scientific term for it is ‘dick move.’

Well the people started to behave (and fear me); but they hated me more than anyone else on the planet.

Worse still, the floods came in by late August and business came to a total halt!!

Aaaaaaaargh.

The thing with being antisocial is that it’s a highly efficient way of getting people to be curious about you. However the curiosity soon mutates into mild annoyance and then, briefly, significant hatred.

But the end state is always indifference. Yep, eventually no one will care. At all.

Of course, I found this not in the Book of ALL Rules (And Tips on Winning over Sexy Ladies, or Men: Bonus Edition) we should definitely be born with, but through bitter experience.

Years of neglecting friends, friendships, a relationship and all the other people who cared finally took a toll. So there I was, suddenly caught in a bad place, in a wholly screwed up situation and nobody really bothered

Yeah man, those were bad times.

And then exhibiting a lot of character I decided to face all of my problems. Like a man!

By regularly drowning myself in much Old Monk and filling my lungs with a lot of smoke. It was brilliant fun and led to some fairly memorable times, like breaking into an uncontrollable fit of laughter outside the Sun Temple in Puri, which almost got us arrested.

Of course it was also fairly disgraceful and pathetic. And one winter night in Delhi as I puked onto the lawn at India Gate it finally hit me. “What the hell was I doing here?”

I got back into the car, and this friend of mine I have fancied for the longest time was there. She just rubbed my back and behaved like nothing happened. For some reason it felt like hitting rock bottom. I wish she had just slapped me. I don’t think I have felt more ashamed in my life.

I’m not going to tell you what exactly I did over the following months. I don’t really remember.

But I’ll tell you what happened. I invested time into a friendship at work I think I cherish more than any I have ever had, painstakingly won back the trust of the organisation, convinced them that I wasn’t really the Devil, and made peace with the folks, got back in touch with a few old friends, returned to watching films, found some wonderful music, started writing here, played endlessly with my dog, grew a french beard for a little while, (and looked horrendous.)

I understood my work, and started to enjoy it, and did well there. Which given the challenges, was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Oh and I cooked and cooked and cooked. I also, inadvertently, broke someone's heart, for which I am going to hell one of these days!

In my second year I faced some of the roughest times at work because of the worst flooding the state had seen. I rode through that. I had a million cups of the most horrible tea at office and travelled all over Bihar on the worst roads possible, at the oddest hours and stayed in the most obnoxious hotels. I personally sold our products in the market AND really enjoyed doing that.

Much of what I am today is because of the last two years.

Or is it?

I guess it is. Again it’s difficult to say what it is that I am now, and how that’s different from what I was two years ago. I guess it’s like when you are 12 or 13 and you can’t tell how much height you’ve gained because it happens slowly and you look at yourself every day. But then over a year you grow by a foot.

So even though I don’t feel it, I can safely assume much has changed. And now all this must end. And from next month on I’m going to be working in the NCR.

I had always imagined being jubilant and excited about leaving this place and especially for Delhi. Strangely I am not. I’m going to miss bugging my mother, and going for a swim with my father, I’ll miss cooking on Sundays, and having Cookie sleep between my legs or on my pillow, curled around my head. Oh I’ll miss most the efficient laundry and food service at home. I’ll miss knowing and being around Anil, Gopal, Randhir, Rakesh, Avinash and all the other guys at work.

But then I must move out, because there is much to be done and seen beyond here. And if I stay any longer I’ll start to get too comfortable.

Hmm. So as I read back, most of this can be passed off as fairly mundane stuff. Little lives make for small stories. But within those lives these are puffed up to be such epics.

And someday if I get around to making the movies I want to and send the protagonist back to his village for a while only to return stronger and with wisdom pouring out of his nose and ears, they are going to say – THE DIRECTOR OBVIOUSLY DREW ON HIS OWN LIFE TO ADD DEPTH TO HIS HERO.

Man, these journalists, can they not sound so corny?

Not Getting It

Explosions in the Sky - A Song for our Fathers.



At 3:01, this becomes the BEST SONG EVER!!!

Don't they sound much like Mogwai? I think no lyrics is the way to go... Why do people like lyrics so much?

I can't understand the fun in singing along? Really? I mean, leave it to the musicians. I guess I'm wrong, lyrics are deep and can change your life and all, but there's poetry for that?

And Haiku. Which I don't get either. (I'm on a spree of not getting.)

Old Woman
Pie
Face

Is that Haiku? I think I get the basic premise but I can't seem to go beyond Level 8 already. (There are 9 levels BTW)

Apparently the one Haiku poem that shattered previous 'limiting' codes of syntax and took the genre to an all new plane was -

Tundra

Yes that's the Haiku. Observe, no punctuation. "So Avant Garde"

Trust Japan to give us something like this. Do you know that not only do they eat uncooked fish, they wash it down with YOGURT PEPSI!!!!!

Bleh.

What Are The Haps My Friend?

So man, how is everything? The world treating you well? And God? Is he being a satisfactory dude around you?

Me? I’m doing well. Being an all round excellent person. So Hooray!! Hooray??

Hello…

…olleH …olleH …olleH

Damn!

Anyway, a bit of cursory observation will introduce you to the blog’s brand new look. Now before you go ahead and say, “Oh slowtumblinglife, you do this ALL THE TIME! L-A-M-E!!! BOOOOOO!!”

Let me assure you that I am significantly awesome and to think otherwise would be tragic.

The previous look just wasn’t ME enough.

Here I am seen sitting on a chair, with incredibly giant feet and in a really chic outfit. Then I start to think about The Origin of the First Seedless Grape while chewing softly on said fruit.

All the thinking ties my brain up in difficult knots till I begin to laugh, so hard that my head explodes.

I try to stay calm (observe fingers) as my head crumples into a mess of tiny cubes.

Ending 1 – The cubes then become smiling violet Octopi with hats, these are actually metaphors for naughty mental images of topless women.

Ending 2 – Violet Octopi loom in to feed on pieces of my brain and partly chewed Grape. They are smiling. These are friends and family. (Fully clothed!)

So you can't really say whether the Octopii are coming or going. It's a bit like the Monalisa that way! Ehe-Heh-Hehee.

And so I sit there, waiting for the internet to show me How to Earn Money off a Half Exploded Head.

***

Btw, the original painting.

I think knowing how to use Textures on Photoshop is next only to being able to travel through Time OR Being GOD!

Bodysong

- Jonny Greenwood

I don't know about the movie (Bodysong); it's a documentary that uses stock images to tell the human story. It may be vague, but the music is awesome! The first song in the clip is 24 Hour Charleston.

The video is from the actual movie, it ends with a bit of chaotic music but well worth it. I even liked the clip, although I can't say I can watch more than 15 minutes of it.

Listen to this one - Convergence, it's also used in There Will Be Blood.



Reminds me of National Anthem with instruments joining in..

And finally Nudnik Headache. Also from Bodysong. Video made by just someone, not a bad job at all.

Airport Movement


Hope you have a great connection to enjoy the last one.

***

Sometimes some people are so brilliant it bothers me. Makes me worry about my life, and what I am doing. There is actually physical discomfort.

Also in similar league, Dinosaur Comics.

Icarus at the Edge of Time

So anyway, I have been away for a while and much has happened in my tiny universe.

I read the most brilliant book on Physics - The Fabric of the Universe.

Einstein used his ridiculously clever theory of Special Relativity to prove that space and time are not individually absolute but united into what is called ‘spacetime’. Using this, one can say that just like all of space, ALL of time exists now, at once.

Think of the entire history of the universe as a movie. The entire movie exists at one go, but we see it frame by frame.

In fact time itself is far more complicated.

Reality emanates from the ‘flow’ of time which we feel through the perception of a past, present and future.

But it’s actually explained by nothing more than the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Everything tends from lower to higher Entropy (disorder). The Pre-Big Bang Universe was in a state of the lowest entropy and we move to the future that is ever more chaotic.

It is the reason eggs will splatter and not unsplatter.

I, on my part, used my outstanding ability to fell bummed about any and everything to draw my own startling conclusion.

See if all of space and time exist anyway then where is the question of Free Will? We are all caught in a sort of movie and actually have no real say over our future. Of course we don’t sense that.

No matter what I do, don’t do, think, love, hate, write, eat, feel – it’s already been decided.

And the worst part is this discovery doesn’t really set me up for a life of laziness and sexual debauchery.

The choice has already been made. If that’s my future it is unavoidable and I will have a lot of fun and die a very poor but perhaps a more satisfied man.

In fact that’s exactly what I was thinking about the blog. The next post is already written. I needn’t do anything about it. It will come when the time is right. It will, in fact, write itself.

Bloody absolute fucking spacetime!!! 10 full days, dear reader???!

So anyway I was floating through another infinite yet absolute ocean – The Internet. And I came upon something that helped me snap out of Science...

Boobs come in broadly two sizes, large and well, at least she can cook!

Sorry Ladies. Might I remind you of the total absence of free will?

Anyway, do read the book, if a simple understanding of Inflationary Cosmology, Quantum Mechanics, Superstring Theory, Time Travel, Multiple Universes, Decoherence (MS Word thinks Lecherous is the correct spelling of Decoherence!) is what gets you your kicks.

Really though, read it!

***

You would think that much earth-shattering had happened for one week, but wait, there’s more.

Having consistently good bowel movement has recently made a decisive shift from the Top Five To-Do Things list to my catalogue of Top Five Coveted Possessions.

Top Five To-Do List

Megan Fox (NEW)
Being Incredibly Rich, Famous and Healthy
Wynona Ryder
Understanding Stuff (Physics, Philosophy, Economics) and Reading
Learning How to Make and then Making the Perfect Cup of Coffee, and also Movies

Top Five Most Coveted Possessions

Consistently Good Bowel Movement (NEW)
iPod
My Mind
The Single Strand of Colourless Hair centred on my Forehead
All the Books, Movies and Music I Have.

Oh the secret?

Well it’s a bit graphic, but I will tell you that there is some involvement, in no particular order, of Beginner (yet fairly intricate) Yoga, fruits, lime-juice, beetroot, iPod, brisk walking, warm water, coffee, newspaper, bizarre sound, and honey.

***

Also, very soon, I will be getting my wrist operated. It’s scaring the shit out of me. For some reason it reminds me of that vague short film by Dali, Un Chien Andalou, with the eye getting slashed by a razor.

I mean who gets operated on the wrist? Stomachs, chests, and thighs I can understand. Wrist??

Apparently the incision will have to be made across the centre of my palm!! Not only does that sound incredibly painful, it will totally wipe out much of my lovely long Life and Fate Lines.

Thank God for Special Relativity!

***

AND, yours truly will, within weeks, be moving out of this place after spending two years here. Much has changed since I got to this place. I’m yet to form an opinion on this move, that and further details will soon follow. But till then –

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!

***

Btw, Icarus…

Stranger Than Fiction

Anything worth writing... It comes without planning or method, all of a sudden. Out of the blue.

BAM!!

Much like life. If you hack life into tiny pieces, then it loses all predictability.

BAM!! BAM!!

Hello Blog! Hello Universe!

Well, I just wanted to say that. I think it's cool to talk to your own blog, and/or address the universe/internet. Couple of ladies who I think write brilliantly do this fairly often.

Oh? They think very little of me, I'm a source of distant amusement. But that's okay.

Anyway. To the day's most important discovery. Actually a revisit of sorts...

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL is possibly the prettiest person I have seen. Especially if you consider her in Stranger than Fiction.

Also the tattooed arm is just brilliant.

Maggie Gyllenhaal doesn't even know I exist and that I have a single strand of totally colourless hair bang in the middle of my damn forehead.

It's a tragedy of epic proportions.

For some reason the strand is fucking two inches long all of a sudden. And it isn't even bringing me the luck it used to bring. Times change man. Times change.

So I was telling this other blogger how as my blog has got popular-er I have became less and less personal with what I write here.

It's true. All I can do is lame conversations with my ruddy dog. (Sorry dog) (And sorry all of you who I thought it was actually the dog and me speaking.)

And lamer short stories. (Please God of Small Stories, Please forgive me this one slur. I am but today just really really out of my mind.

Umm.

Command ye the out-of-the-blue-crazy-ideas-fund to be fattened like never before.)

Aha. Shake. Heartbreak. If you haven't heard Kings of Leon, please do so. Immediately.

So I was telling this other really lovely fellow blogger of my serious ailment. A total and sudden loss of all malice. Truly truly disgusting. I am actually wishing nice things for other people when I don't really need to. Or shouldn't care less.

But I am saying and actually meaning nice things.

I am behaving like I am going to die in a few months. It's sick.

Oh this other blogger I know is going to be publishing a book. Go congratulate her. She writes fabulously. And she has this, umm, really cute way of replying to comments using a bit of Hindi.

Dear All, did I forget to tell you that I hate how this blog looks right now. But that I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Will take care of it when I do...

Warm Regards,
Yours Truly.

I'll do it when I'll do it. That syntax is used by many a moron.

Well not always.

This post is going nowhere right? But if you have a blog why not piss on it once in a while? (Replace BLOG in previous sentence with LIFE for more profound thought.)

Did you lazy bums bother to check out the video I posted yesterday? No?? I knew it! Dekh lo yaar. It makes you want to do crazy things. Nice crazy things. Well not really. But still.

I am a bit like Will Ferrell from Stranger than Fiction. Except that I am not punctual at all. I am the God of Petty Procrastination.

All my phones are always nearly discharged. All my bills are forever unpaid. I have been meaning to comb my hair for seven years now.

So as I was saying I am like him but I don't live by the clock. And I can't play the guitar. So I guess I'm just dull.

Which means I will have no luck with Maggie. Who doesn't know me anyway.

Hello Maggie! I can also move my eyebrows one at a time. It makes for one laugh and two conversations.

"Oh that's great. How do you do it??"

eehhehheeheee

"Okay stop creeping me out! Stop it Nikhil!"

Bitches Brew

What a song, of course..

But what a video!!!

Conversations with Cookie - Still on the Other Realm

"How Religion is All Knotty - A Short Discourse"

Cookie: For starters, IMHO, Religion has been lying through its holy teeth about getting into Heaven.

*ahem*

I mean think about it, people "will" burn in Hell for killing another person, being racist, or laughing at an autistic kid.

But that's like only nowadays.

4500 years ago, it was fairly courteous to smash through the skull of anyone that touched your stupid raw meal. Nobody cared for autism before, I think, Jim Carrey and Religion happened to endorse and cherish much racist behaviour till like day before yesterday.

Over time the meaning of 'the good life' has been tweaked by our ol' friend Religion.

DIVINE. That's just bloody DIVINE!!

Now we are sending really really good people to Heaven, but our racist, great great great grandfathers who also murdered for fun are already there!

They must totally rag our sorry butts!

And what next? Our children will have to be pacifist - fruitarians who send no SPAM messages, before they make the cut??

They will not last a day in "Heaven!"

Shit MAAAAN!!! Religion is FISHY business!

LATER

Me: I don't get what's so sacred about fucking Tuesdays??? Every other day we can stuff ourselves with all sorts of animal food. But Tuesdays? NOOOOO.

What's the difference to the damn Chicken?

And God?

Who made these rules anyway??

Cookie: That's a good point.

Me: And I mean how did anyone decide which was the first Monday? We could have gotten it wrong by a day? So that all Tuesdays are actually Wednesdays.

Cookie: That's a VERY good point.

MUCH LATER

Cookie: Psssst. He can be intelligent. Sometimes. On good days.

Conversations with Cookie - Move It! Move It!

Cookie: So I was just doing my thing and being an excellent dude when it struck me!

Me: What?

Cookie: That I'd live only about 10 years; 14 if I go easy on the red meat and do some Yoga.

Me: So?

Cookie: I don't know. You guys live to at be least 70... It's unfair at some level. You can be totally mundane for a few months or even years. But I can't. Because that would be like a friggin' dog-decade.

My life needs to be a constant yarn of interesting conversations, glorious achievement and the WILDEST sex!

Me: What are you going to do about this sudden realization?

Cookie: I don't know. There's no time to think. I have no time P-E-O-P-L-E!

LATER

Cookie: Shit MAAAN! Dogs were never meant to do a Phd!

STILL LATER

Cookie: If we were the Humans, Phds would take two years. And there'd be no time for unnecessary wooing before sexing up random HOT strangers.

WAIT - I have no time for this wishful thinking. MAAAN.

All Ya HOT PPL All Over The World
Original King Julian Pon Ya Case Man!

I Love How All of Ya A Move Your Body
And When Ya Move Ya Body
Nice And Sweet And Sexy Alright!

Physically Fit
Physically
Physically

I Like To Move It Move It
I HAVE To Move It Move It
Ya Like To (MOVE IT!)

Sweet Fantastic
WOMAN!

BOP!
WOAH!
BOP!
WOAH!

(King Julians Bit On The End:)

I Like to Move It Move It
HE Like to Move It Move It
SHE Like to Move It Move It
THEY Like to Move It Move It
YOU Like to Move It!

I Like .. Oh I did.. I have.. I.. Done I? Did I do I Like?
I think I Did I Like.. WE? What About We? They? They? I Did They?.

OH I GOT IT, I GOT IT I GOT A NEW ONE I GOT A NEW ONE.. THEM?
No not THEM.. Did I Say Them or Not?

THEM Like to Move It Move It... I'm gonna Say Them

WOAH WOAH WOAH

I Like To Move It Move It
I HAVE To Move It Move It
Ya Like To (MOVE IT!)

YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS NEVER GONNA END COZ IT IS 3,2,1

Not Bad Eh? I Like It



Me: Keep it down will you??!

Conversations with Cookie: Out of the White

Me: So, what do you think?

Cookie: It works.

Me: Huh? "It works??!"

Cookie: Ya. It works. Why, what do you want me to say??

Me: I dunno..

Cookie: What?

Me: Something..

Cookie: Okay. Umm.. Your creativity ruptures in a single uniquely elegant stroke the very rationality of modern-BLOG design? Its powerful colours are a simulating sensorial experience? OR - should I declare "Look here, this is it, there's ART here!!"

Me: You cou..

Cookie: Plus spending a weekend designing a BLOG is a top-end loser thing to do. FYI.

Me: But..

Cookie: Impress us through the written word I say!!!!

Me: OK! For someone who humps pillows all day, you are very..

Cookie: *gasp*

Later

Cookie: WOMEN HAVE NEEDS!!!

Still Later

Cookie: This blog SUCKS!!

2014

Cookie: Man, they don't make pillows like they used to.

FYI: This BLOG is Getting a BooB Job

Umm.. Ya so sometimes you have a post that's really difficult to find a title for, and then sometimes there is the kind of post where the Title is the whole point.

So! (Bearst with Us!) Ehehehehee... No? Really?

Prude!

So - looking to change stuff around here. 

For starters Cookie who you all love more than me, needed her space on the blog. She is seen jumping off her favourite scooter for what is a bowl of assorted Cheese (on request.)

Anyway, the folks over at BSNL decided that now would be a nice time to 'down' their servers. So i'm left with an obscure combination of colours and an invisible sidebar.

These shall be rectified as soon as the server is up and running again, which might take anything from 3 days to 250 Rupees. 

***

It's not too bad though, get a chance to revisit my Tata Indicom data card, it allows me to take my reserves of patience to the next level.